Sharing From My Heart: The Joy and the Pain

Not going to lie, I feel a little sick with how nervous sharing this makes me. I have no problem sharing and expressing my feelings when it comes to how much I love and care about someone or other happy, positive things. But really personal, poignant things get kept much closer to the chest. Even opening up to Gabe about such things has been a learning experience these past 7 years. My inclination is to become quiet, draw inward, and do anything but share it with others. But I'm turning over a new leaf, right? So here goes.

Journal entry from Wednesday, September 4, 2019:
     "Last night was...hard? strange? unexpected? unusual? I don't know that there's a proper word to appropriately describe it. I had a wonderful and enjoyable day yesterday. I have felt an abundance of the Spirit lately and great satisfaction with where life is at. Which is why last night caught me so off-guard.
     Just before going to bed I had very deep, poignant feelings hit me. A profound sense of longing for children overcame me. It almost took my breath away. The pain was physical. I couldn't restrain tears. I thought of my various interactions with children lately and my opportunities to "mother" others' children. How easy it is in those scenarios to envision children of our own - to see what could be ourselves in some future day.
     The innocence and purity of children and getting to be a part of their lives brings me joy and satisfaction. But it can also surface pain. It makes my own lack so much more apparent. It takes my focus off of what I have and places it squarely on what I lack. Sometimes I just want to be able to join in on the "mommy stories" and woes rather than merely listening. As much as I trust the Lord's wisdom, sometimes I just want that to be my life.
     But as a whole lately I have felt such peace, joy, and contentment with my life. Which is why last night was so confusing. It seemed to come out of nowhere and was almost all-consuming. It was so painful, and so very real. I thought I had composed myself, and then it started again. I didn't know where it was coming from, but it almost seemed like somewhere other than myself.
     After sharing it with Gabe and laying close to him, I thought of the children that await us. I wondered if they were there, right then, strengthening me. I sensed many children. I wasn't sure if they were to come in this life or the next, but I sensed a small group together.
     Poetic words expressing my emotions ran through my head during the experience. I could see them as the beginning of longer, written prose. The desire to write it, to express myself, almost pulled me out of bed to do it then. If not for the late hour that we had gone to bed, I think I would have. I felt a need to write about it, a compelling, an inspiration.
     As I think back and ponder on it all now, there seems to be an almost sacred nature about it. I can still vividly remember the depth of feeling. It's as though the very poignance of it makes it sacred. Because anything with that depth of emotion deserves regard and respect. Any other such profound experience I can remember has clearly been of a spiritual nature, and so by association it must also be regarded as such and considered sacred like the others.
     And so I have done my best to record it, to convey the inexpressible through word, that it may be kept sacred and remembered, even when memories dim."

I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to share this now. It was one single incident that took place over 3 months ago. But I'm learning the importance of really opening up to those you love, and sharing not just the happiness and joy, but also the pain and the struggles. Because that's what really bonds and brings you closer. How can they really understand and comprehend your joy if they haven't known your sorrow?

When others ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm doing really well. And I am. It's true that the Lord has given me a great deal of peace and assurance with where our life and family is at. Like I wrote in my journal, as a whole I feel great joy and contentment with my life. But that doesn't mean that the wishing and the hoping and even at times the longing has gone away. Because if it had, where would I be? We're supposed to want children and families. Why would the Lord take away my desire for the very thing He has ordained?

And so even with His carrying my burden, sometimes that means I feel a little sadness in my wishing, some longing in my dreaming. It means I have experienced a pain that hits with such unexpected force that I cry uncontrollably, confused and hurt and literally fighting for breath while I wonder where it's even coming from.

But it also means I've gained an undeniable testimony of the love of my Savior and the power of His atonement. Because without Him, that one isolated and unfamiliar moment is where I would be stuck all of the time. He gives me the strength to be happy now. And that is a gift of such tremendous value. Because life is never going to be exactly what we expect. There are always going to be twists and turns, bumps and bruises. But as we learn to fully give our will to Him, He opens up doors for us we never could have imagined.

Light the World

For Light the World today, it said to create and share a piece of art about Jesus Christ. So with writing as my chosen art form (for reasons previously explained), I spent a short amount of time writing this poem. It's nothing grand or amazing, but it was nice to spend some time creating something to celebrate Him this Christmas.

Jesus Christ

The Savior of the world
Redeemer of mankind
Came to save the world from sin
To suffer and to die

Born a lowly babe
Humble as can be
We celebrate His birth each year
The great Nativity

Do we remember Him
In all we do and say
Honoring His sacred name
Through actions everyday?

We may not have a star
Or singing angels near
But through our choices we can know
His Spirit will be here

A Resolution in Creativity

I've been meaning to start writing more for quite a while now. I think part of why I've put it off so long is because I'm not quite sure what to write. But I've been feeling the pull too strongly to ignore. So here goes nothing!

I really do love writing. It enables me to express myself so much more clearly than I can when speaking. (#introvertproblems) I love being able to pause, rethink a phrase, and find exactly the right words to perfectly articulate my thoughts or fully convey my feelings. Tweaking and fine-tuning until I reach that sense of satisfaction that it's worded just right.

Plus it's about the only form of creating that I display any sort of competence in. 

Crafts? Ya, right.

Composing? No way.

Drawing? Ha!

And I know, I know, "practice makes perfect." But what fun is practicing when you're no good? :P When it comes to stereotypical creativity, I've got nothing. I'm much more of a read the instructions, follow the pattern, "do as I say," kind of person. I make use of other people's creativity, absorb it from the outside in, not produce it from within. Trying to do otherwise just feels awkward and unnatural.

Except when writing. 

Writing brings me that energized focus, that sense of passion and eagerness I imagine artists thrive on and strive for. Writing for me induces that "flow state" they describe.

I've heard it said that everyone should regularly engage in some form of creation. That it's part of our divine, inherent nature. I think that's why I'm drawn so much to writing. It's the one creative outlet I can actually plug into. 

And so begins my attempt to more consistently engage with that inner creativity. To dig deep and bring forth something genuine and new. And why not share it with the ones I love most? :)