January was rough. As well as parts of early February. I wanted to be positive and productive, but it seemed so much harder than it had been the previous weeks and months. I was more emotional about how long it's taking us to have kids. I was less devoted and invested in my scripture study and prayers. I didn't want to be around people. I put off housework and cooking as much as possible. Then we went to the temple the last weekend in January.
It was such a sweet reprieve. I always love going to the temple, but this time it felt so refreshing and nourishing. The entire time I just felt an overwhelming abundance of the Spirit, filling my cup and making up for all the struggling I'd been feeling that month. It felt so needed and so fulfilling. And I was so very grateful.
But then we returned home and went back to life as usual. And much of the listlessness returned. I hated feeling that way. It felt so unreasonable. And then about a week later we had a few days of beautiful sunshine and temperatures in the 60's and 70's. It was so refreshing to see bright, sunny skies again! We spent more time outdoors, taking long walks at the lake nearby.
One of those afternoons, I realized how much easier it had been that day to feel happy and upbeat compared to the past month. And then I remembered last year. I remembered struggling throughout January and early February, feeling purposeless, and wrestling more than usual with my personal worship and infertility. And then the pattern became so obvious! I was amazed to realize how much I can be affected by winter, the lack of warmth and sunshine. (Especially when our winters have been so mild lately compared to what they used to be.) And recognizing that made things a little easier. As did these quotes from Elder Neal A. Maxwell that I came across while reading his book, "Notwithstanding My Weakness."
"The seeming flat periods of life give us a blessed chance to reflect upon what is past as well as to be readied for some rather stirring climbs ahead. Patience helps us to use, rather than to protest, these seeming flat periods of life, becoming filled with quiet wonder over the past and with anticipation for that which may lie ahead. Instead of grumbling and murmuring, we should be consolidating and reflecting, which would simply not happen if life were an uninterrupted sequence of fantastic scenery, confrontive events, or exhilarating conversation."
"Thus, when we are patiently growing and keeping the commandments of God and doing our duties, we are to that extent succeeding, a fact from which we should derive some quiet, inner reassurance. Knowing that we are in the process of succeeding, even though we have much to do and much to improve upon, can help us to move forward."
I am so grateful for the inspired words of faithful disciples of Christ. Grateful for the encouragement to recognize our seemingly unrecognizable successes. For the counsel to reflect on the past and ready ourselves for the future. And I am grateful for the coming days of spring and summer!
