Grace's Birth

I woke up the morning of my due date wondering how in the world I was going to keep myself preoccupied and distracted that day. And then I got a text from one of my friends, inviting us to her son's baptism that afternoon and dinner at their place afterward. Hallelujah! The baptism was wonderful, and sitting around visiting with friends after was just the distraction I needed to pass the time. I didn't even end up taking a nap that afternoon. When we finally got home that evening, we went for a walk up at Lake Fayetteville. By the time we went to bed at 10:30, I was tired and ready for sleep.

I had one or two uncomfortable contractions while going to sleep, but the Braxton-Hicks contractions had been getting stronger all week, so it wasn't too surprising. At 11:00, I had a contraction uncomfortable enough to wake me up - after only 20 minutes of sleep after a long day. I got up to go to the bathroom - when I saw the bloody show I knew this was the real thing. I had a few more contractions and labored on my own for about 30 minutes before I woke Gabe up. Already the contractions felt much different than the Braxton-Hicks I'd been experiencing for weeks.

When Gabe realized that labor had actually started, he called our midwife, Lucy. The plan was for her to come help me labor at home and help us know when we needed to head to the hospital. She asked how frequent the contractions were. I said I thought I'd had 2-3 in the past half hour, but I hadn't been timing them yet. She told Gabe to start timing them, and let her know when they were coming every 4-5 minutes. She also said to try and get some rest in the meantime. I remember thinking, "I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep..." At some point I started getting the shakes in between contractions, and throwing up during contractions. I was trying to make sure to drink water to stay hydrated, but then I threw up all the water during my next contraction. I didn't want to do that again, so I stopped drinking - and then I just dry heaved during the next contraction, and decided I'd rather throw up water than nothing. Gabe started timing the contractions, and basically as soon as he started timing they were coming every 4 minutes and lasting about 30 seconds. They were strong enough that I couldn't talk through them - I had to stop and just focus on getting through it. Gabe texted Lucy at 12:15am and she said she'd get dressed and head our way.

I remember wanting to labor somewhere other than the bathroom, but the baby was so low already that every time I had a contraction I had to pee. So I put on a pad and we laid some towels on the couch for me to sit on, but I didn't stay there long before heading back to the bathroom. At this point I was holding onto Gabe and having him remind me to low-moan through each contraction. I was also having hot flashes, and having Gabe wipe my face and arms with a cold, wet cloth fairly regularly. Lucy showed up around 1:15am. She came in and watched me labor for a minute before saying she thought it was probably already time to head to the hospital. She said she'd check me to make sure, but by the way I was acting during the contractions and how I looked after a contraction, she was pretty sure it was time to go. She and Gabe helped me get to the bed so she could check me - I was at a 5. (Side note - she was SO much more gentle and careful checking me than my OB had been. It made me appreciate her that much more.) I was so grateful that Lucy was there. Gabe was doing everything he could, but I don't think he fully comprehended how completely incapable I was of doing anything. Lucy literally dressed me to help me get ready to head out the door.

At this point all I could think was, "This is why I wanted a home birth - I do NOT want to leave right now!" I couldn't even walk on my own anymore, how in the world was I supposed to get down the stairs?? Gabe and Lucy helped me walk out the door, and then I had to sit in the camp chair outside our door and take a break. We got to the stairs and I realized the only way I was going to make it down was on my butt, one step at a time. So that's what I did, with Lucy moving my legs for me each time to encourage me to keep going. Having contractions on the concrete steps was not my favorite thing - neither was having them in the car during the 10 minute drive to the hospital - but thankfully I had at least stopped throwing up by then.

It was probably sometime around 1:45-2:00am when we got to the hospital. Willow Creek has you enter in the emergency department before being admitted. They brought me in, started asking questions, checked me, and quickly realized how far along I was. I remember them saying they needed to get me to a room fast because they didn't want me delivering in the ER. I was completely absorbed with my labor from that point on and became even less aware of time and my surroundings. I had my eyes closed and was constantly moaning as they rolled me into a room. It felt like there were so many people in there. Gabe handed them our birth plan, although I was far enough in labor that half of it didn't even matter anymore. They did dim the lights after that though, and I remember being so grateful for that and being able to relax a little more.

The contractions were getting even more intense. I was on my side, holding on to the bed railing and screaming through each one. At this point I had given up on the low moaning and was straight up screaming. I was so hot - Lucy pulled my hair back into a ponytail for me and she thankfully had a fan with her that she fanned me with to cool me down. I remember the sensation changing during the contractions, feeling like my body was now pushing, without me doing anything different. That changed my screams as well. Shortly after that, the doctor told me I could start pushing whenever I wanted. Lucy immediately piped in, "She sounds pretty pushy already..." I love that her experience and wisdom put her so in tune with what was happening with me, without me having to say anything.

I pushed for a little longer on my side, and when the OB wanted to get serious about getting the baby out, I asked if I could switch to my hands and knees. I labored that way for a little bit, but I think it lowered the baby's heartrate some, so before long he had me flip back over and they helped me into classic position. I was reclining in the bed with Lucy holding up one leg for me and a nurse holding the other. I was also holding onto Gabe's and Lucy's hands. At this point I was so tired. I remember actually feeling like I was resting between contractions, just because it was such a relief to have a break from such intensity. I was getting so tired that the exhaustion was actually more difficult to deal with than the pain. As I pushed, the nurse was telling me to grab my legs and pull and all I could think was, "Are you kidding me?? I don't have the energy or strength for that! There's a reason YOU'RE holding my leg for me!" Gabe said Lucy looked at him and rolled her eyes when that was suggested, haha.

Grace was so close. but my perineum just wouldn't stretch. The doctor and nurses kept telling me, "Just one more push! Just keep pushing a little more when this contraction ends!" And each time it wasn't the last one was so disheartening. And the idea of trying to push longer than my contraction seemed impossible with how tired I was. The pushing during was almost involuntary - my body did it on it's own no matter how tired I was. But as soon as one would end I just wanted to completely stop and relax. I don't know how long I kept pushing after they started telling me "one more," but it felt like forever. The OB tried to help stretch and lubricate me, and Lucy encouraged me to touch Grace's head once she started crowning to help me connect and stay motivated. Tears came at that point as the closeness of it all became more real to me. And then finally her head made it. I could feel as the rest of her body slipped out. It was such a strange sensation to be able to specifically recognize her moving through the birth canal, when previously all I could feel was the intensity of each contraction overcoming my whole body. It was 4:06am - just 5 hours after my labor had begun.

They placed her on my stomach. Gabe and I looked at each other and I just cried. We had a baby!

She wasn't with me long before they took her to a warmer. The large abnormal area on my placenta did end up being a venous lake - I could hear as the blood from it gushed onto the floor. So the OB was concerned about making sure the entire placenta was delivered. He had an ultrasound on my stomach (which is why they took Grace away) so that he could see, and used clamps or forceps or some instrument to manually remove it. Holy crap did that hurt. Like really, that part sucked. He asked if I needed some medication to make it through it, but I was able to hold off until he finished. I had torn a 2nd degree tear straight back, so he gave me some local anesthetic and stitched me up. Then they gave me some cytotek to help make sure my uterus would keep contracting and fully release any placenta that might still be there.

As hot as I was during labor, I was freezing once it was all done. They brought me a blanket that had been in a warmer, but I had to keep asking for more because I couldn't stop shaking from the cold. I also had zero muscle tone or strength. I had to physically pick up my legs with my hands anytime I needed to get up or reposition myself. We stayed in the hospital that day and overnight, and were discharged the next morning. (Coming back up the stairs when we got home was also not fun, haha.) Mom met us at our apartment when we got home Monday morning and stayed to help for the week. When she left that weekend, and it was just Gabe, Grace, and I at home, it felt so special to finally be together as a family - what we'd been waiting for for years had finally come.

Why I Stay

I saw a page on Facebook the other day called "Why I Stay," with people's stories of why they are choosing to stay in their faith when so many these days are choosing to leave. I've really been pondering that - why do I stay?

The first answer I keep coming to is because it makes my life better. The gospel motivates me to be a better person, to work on my own faults and shortcomings. My attendance at church has introduced me to people who have become my dearest friends. Those friendships then further enrich my life and give it meaning. Striving to keep the commandments has kept my life free of so many regrets. The temple has brought me peace beyond understanding and given me the strength to bear my burdens with ease. The covenants I've made there and the ordinances I've received have endowed and infused my life with a strength, power, and purpose that can't be found anywhere else. The gospel brings me joy, and living the gospel makes my life better.

I stay because the gospel adds depth to my life. I see others who have left the church and say they are happy. But I can't help but feel that they've still lost something, that their lives seem more superficial and almost even hollow now. The gospel broadens my perspective. It enlightens my mind and enlarges my soul. It challenges me. It gives direction to my life.

The fruits of the gospel in my life are good. And so I stay because I know it's true.

Books of 2020 Part 2

26. Left to Tell, by Immaculée Ilibagiza and Steve Erwin - (finished 7/6)

27. Eternity is Now, by John H. Groberg - (finished 7/16)

28. The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell - (finished 7/20)

29. The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, by Oliver Sacks - (finished 7/30)

30. Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell - (finished 8/19)

31. Changed Through His Grace, by Bradley R. Wilcox - (finished 8/22)

32. Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe - (finished 8/26)

33. Midnight in Austenland, by Shannon Hale - (finished 9/10)

34. Reconceiving Infertility: Biblical Perspectives on Procreation and Childlessness, by Candida R. Moss and Joel S. Baden - (finished 9/18)

35. Madame Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert - (finished 9/24)

36. Period Repair Manual, by Lara Briden - (finished 10/12)

37. Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoevsky - (finished 11/18)

38. One Child, by Mei Fong - (finished 11/30)

Unfinished Books:

The Boys in the Boat, by Daniel James Brown - 

The Nature Principle, by Richard Louv - 

Eliza R. Snow: An Immortal, selected writings by Eliza R. Snow - 

Christ in Every Hour, by Anthony Sweat - 

Religion of a Different Color, by W. Paul Reeve -

Presidents of the Church: Insights Into Their Lives and Teachings, by Truman G. Madsen -

The Millennial Messiah: The Second Coming of the Son of Man, by Bruce R. McConkie -



Audiobooks:

1. Without the Mask, by Charlie Bird - (finished 9/7)

Snapshots of July and August

I've realized that I've majorly fallen off from my goal to blog more regularly...I started actually journaling daily again back in April, and I think that has made it easier to slack on blogging, because I'm already keeping a record of my life. But journaling doesn't keep my family updated on my life (and neither does my facebook cause I hardly ever post anymore).

Last night at a small women's group meeting, one of my friends mentioned a type of snapshot journaling where you just jot down or list phrases and words describing your day/week/whatever. I really liked the simplicity of the idea, and thought I should give it a try for my blogging and see if it helps me be more consistent. So here goes!

July and August 2020 - These are the days of:

Weddings. Catching up with old friends.

Car repairs- ugh.

Game nights. Old friends and new.

Extra long evening walks.

Swimming. Appreciating summer.

Slow work. Boredom.

Doing more family history.

Morning walks with Marissa and her kids.

Meal planning. Grocery shopping.

Picnic dinners at Devil's Den.

Hiking.

Watching TV shows. Lazy afternoons.

Reading. Book nights with friends.

Returning to church. Feeling the sense of home.

Books of 2020 Part 1

Finished from 2019:
The Temple Letters, by Claude Richards - (finished 1/5) This is one of the books we got that belonged to Grandpa Willis. It's a collection of letters a man wrote to his family about the importance of temple and family history work. It wasn't life-changing or anything, but there were definitely some good quotes that he shared.


2020 Books:
1. The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett - (finished 1/10) This was so fun and magical to read. I guess classics are a classic for a reason, huh? I especially loved the descriptions of nature, her wonder and awe in experiencing it, and how her time outside, connecting with nature, changed her for the better. There is magic outside that we all need in our lives!

2. Covenant Keepers, by Wendy Watson Nelson - (finished 1/25) This almost doesn't even count as a book it was so short. Honestly I was a little annoyed I payed for it when I saw how short it was. But then I sat down to read it and all regret disappeared. There's not necessarily anything totally new or profound in it, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. Specifically, her thoughts on family history work and the challenge she issued. That was a first step for me into consistent family history work!

3. Miracles, by Eric Metaxas - (finished 1/31) I love the author - we really enjoy watching his Socrates in the City lectures. He writes in a fun, engaging way. The first half was his discussion of miracles - his definition, large-scale examples (like all the parameters being met for this earth to be able to sustain life), and their purpose. I very much enjoyed the first half. The second half, which I also enjoyed, was a collection of personal stories of miracles in the lives of people he knows/trusts. There were some stories that really challenged my thinking, because the experience was so foreign to my understanding and view of how God works. What it really taught me is that God works according to our understanding, so if we expect communication from Him to happen in a certain way, He will likely work within that expectation/understanding.

4. The Truman G. Madsen Story, by Barnard N. Madsen - (finished 2/15) I always enjoy biographies, especially ones about faithful, inspirational people. Truman Madsen really did live a life full of faithful sacrifice and diligence. Reading about his life and choices inspired me to be more devoted and work harder myself.

5. The Rent Collector, by Camron Wright - (finished 2/16) A quick and enjoyable read. The story follows a woman who lives on one of the largest trash heaps in Cambodia, picking through the garbage to find things to sell for a living. The main character is based on a real woman, but her story is largely fictionalized. I felt like the story the author created was meant to look at the power for change that literacy can be in an individual's life, which was very interesting. My only issue was that some elements in the story didn't seem to fit with setting or didn't feel completely authentic. Nothing major though, just enough to make it a 4 star instead of 5 for me.

6. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman - (finished 2/22) I really loved this book and his approach. Basically the message was that you have to be friends and truly respect and care for each other, and if you do, you can pretty much work through anything together. He gave many self-questionnaires to evaluate how your marriage is really doing in different areas, as well as practical, simple exercises to improve and to get to know each other better. I felt like it was a very reasonable, relatable book that is applicable to anyone and everyone desiring a happy, healthy marriage. Lots of helpful tips and important things to recognize. I also enjoyed the dispelling of common myths at the beginning.

7. Jayne Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte - (finished 3/4) I read this book in high school and hated it - I couldn't get over the age difference between Jane and Mr. Rochester and it ruined it for me. But I absolutely LOVED it this time! Beautiful writing - the descriptions of scenery, the character depictions and development, the moral character of Jane, the different views of what it means to be a part of a family, and just the story in general. Again, classics are classics for a reason! I really loved reading this one and discussing it with my book group.

8. The Call of the Wild and Free, by Ainsley Arment - (finished 3/11) I feel like this is a must read for anyone considering homeschooling. She's all about trusting your intuition and feelings as a mother and protecting childhood - fostering wonder in their lives, spending time in nature, and telling/reading stories. Her views really resonated with me and I really enjoyed reading it. It made me want to notice the wonder in my own life and be better about stopping to "smell the roses."

9. The Mortal Messiah: From Bethlehem to Calvary Book 3, by Bruce R. McConkie - (finished 3/25) Probably the same review I wrote from Books 1 and 2. Takes some time to get through, because it's written in a more academic/scholarly style, but I like the slow look at the records we have of the Savior's life and teachings.

10. Amazing Grace, by Eric Metaxas - (finished 3/29) Again, love the author. He does a great job of making it interesting, engaging, and adding just the right amount of humor. This is the biography of William Wilberforce, who was the leader of ending slavery in England. What a battle! Very insightful and interesting to read - I definitely learned a lot from it.

11. Saints: No Unhallowed Hand - (finished 4/7) Just as good as the first! The narrative style it's written in makes it so approachable and easy to read. I learned so much from this volume, especially about the practice of plural marriage in the church. Honestly, it's something I've largely ignored because it's hard to wrap my head around, but it doesn't bother me as something that happened in the past. Reading more about it really forced me to look deeper at my understanding and view. And just like the first volume, I loved learning from the faith and experiences of the earlier saints. 

12. Refuge and Reality: The Blessings of the Temple, by John H. Groberg - (finished 4/20) I love the temple, and clearly Elder Groberg does, too! Written in a very similar style to his other books, this is basically a compilation of stories and experiences he had while serving as the temple president for the Idaho Falls temple and the lessons he learned from them. Some great insights. I think what I loved the most though, was just hearing from someone who really understands the vital necessity as well as the joy of the temple and all that it offers.

13. The Mortal Messiah: From Bethlehem to Calvary Book 4, by Bruce R. McConkie - (finished 4/21) Next book in the series!

14. Accomplishing the Impossible, by Russell M. Nelson - (finished 4/29) A good read. Your typical gospel themed book giving practical application to our lives. I think what these books really offer is not so much knowledge as it is another avenue for the Spirit to teach you.

15. Moby Dick, by Herman Melville - (finished 5/2) Wow. I can definitely say I would not have finished this one if I hadn't been reading it for my book group. It took some real effort to push through! Mostly because of the ridiculous amount of detail and (in my opinion useless) information about whales. But also because of the dragging story line and difficult language. There are some real gems in it though. Taking the time to review and discuss it after reading made me appreciate it much more. I'm glad I read it, making it through felt like a major accomplishment, but I don't know that I'd honestly recommend it to others.

16. Elantris, by Brandon Sanderson - (finished 5/12) My first real fun read since February. Gabe, and especially my friend Marissa, have been trying to get me to read Sanderson for so long. This was my first step into his books, and I absolutely loved it. One of the ones that you start and have a hard time ever putting down, but then regret reading it so quickly because you're sad that it's already over when you finish, haha. I loved the characters, and the story was fascinating and intriguing. Made me excited to read more of his books!

17. The Great Divorce, by C. S. Lewis - (finished 5/21) I always love C.S. Lewis. This one is written as a story to visualize heaven and hell. I am always amazed at his insights and abilities to portray spiritual truths. I really enjoyed the read, and gained so much from the insights and ideas.

18. Whole Body Barefoot, by Katy Bowman - (finished 6/5) I picked this up to flip through and find some tips for a friend transitioning to barefoot shoes, and ended up just reading it. It's a quick read, only about 100 pages, informative, but also enjoyable and even funny. I love Katy Bowman's goofy humor that gets thrown in. A great read though - highly recommend it!

19. The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne - (finished 6/6) Another book I read for my book group. I read it in high school English and didn't care for it, and while I could appreciate it much more this time, I still didn't love it. I did really enjoy the discussion about it afterward though. We felt like it was much less a story about characters, and more a look at specific character traits and what comes from them - revenge, honesty/acceptance of consequences, and guilt from trying to hide your mistakes.

20. Mormon Scientist: The Life and Faith of Henry Eyring, by Henry J. Eyring - (finished 6/7) This was such a fun biography. There were some seriously funny stories! But I especially loved his outlook and views on religion and science. He had full faith that the two are completely compatible, and believed that anytime they appear to contradict we are either missing the full picture or have an incorrect understanding of what the truth actually is. His views had a huge impact on me, and really were life changing. It was so refreshing to have someone say that things don't have to be either/or and you don't have to have all the answers.

21. The Priesthood Power of Women, by Barbara Morgan Gardner - (finished 6/9) A great book that does a fantastic job of laying out what the priesthood is, how it works, and how it functions differently in the church and home. It did so much to clarify and deepen my understanding - highly recommend.

22. The Worth of a Soul, by Ayse Hitchins and Kristen McKendry - (finished 6/9) Wow, what a story! This is an autobiography/narrative of Ayse's life growing up in Turkey and eventually immigrating to Canada. I read it in like 2 days, because her story was so engaging. She had an intense childhood/growing up and overcame a lot in life. I really enjoyed it.

23. Holy Places: True Stories of Faith and Miracles from Latter-day Temples, by Chad Hawkins - (finished 6/12) This was a super quick read, just a compilation of very short stories about various miracles related to different temples. Inspiring to see the small and simple ways the Lord's hand is in His work.

24. The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, by Benjamin Franklin - (finished 6/23) Another one I read with my book group, and like most biographies, I really enjoyed it. It does end before really even touching on the Revolution, so that would be interesting to read a biography that goes into that part of his life. But I really enjoyed hearing about his life, from his perspective. I think my very favorite was his discussion of when he decided to try and be perfect, haha. Really though, the method of self-reflection and evaluation of character and virtues hat he developed and used for the rest of his life was very insightful. I also really enjoyed the groups he started with friends for intellectual development. And I was seriously amazed at how many organizations he started and social changes he affected! He really left a legacy (even before playing his part in the Revolution)!

25. Emma, by Jane Austen - (finished 7/2) Another book that I couldn't stand in high school because of the age difference between love interests, but absolutely loved this time! I just can't get enough Jane Austen. Her character depictions are always spot on. The characters and their relationships are really what make her books so great and fun to read. But it's not just fluffy fun like so much we get today - she creates so much depth and in doing so gives such accurate and poignant reflections on human nature. This one was right up there with Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion for me.

Audio Books:
1. The Heavens are Open, by Wendy Watson Nelson - (finished 3/18)
2. Dreams as Revelation, by Craig K. Manscill, Kenneth L. Alford, and Mary Jane Woodger - (finished 4/30)
3. A Case for the Book of Mormon, by Tad R. Callister - (finished 5/20) This book was fantastic. It was amazing to have so many myths and accusations dispelled and proven false beyond doubt.
4. Letters to a Young Mormon, by Adam S. Miller - (finished 5/21)

5. Seekers Wanted, by Anthony Sweat - (finished 6/17) A great resource for helping you distinguish truth and determine historical accuracy of sources. Highly recommend.

6. That We May Be One, by Tom Christofferson (finished 6/22) This book was amazing, and really made us take another look at how we view and approach homosexuality. So well written, amazing examples, and a profound life story.

7. Seek This Jesus, by Neill Marriott (finished 6/22)

Everyday Life Updates

Well I've fallen behind a bit on my goal to blog more often, and I figured it's probably time to post another update on how life is going for us here in Arkansas.

Coronavirus. Ugh. Thankfully Arkansas never actually went on complete lockdown, so we were still able to enjoy walking at Lake Fayetteville and going on hikes and spending time with friends. Business has definitely slowed down, but we'll be ok. Actually, the slower pace with everything was really nice in the beginning. We were travelling so much. And it all just stopped. No more overnight trips to the temple, no more Little Rock, and we didn't even go visit home for the first month since Missouri was on lockdown. And it was really nice to just be home and not sleeping in a new bed every week.

We've started up our work trips to Little Rock again, but we're going every 3 weeks now instead of every other week. It makes it so much easier! We've also gone to visit family twice now, which has of course been wonderful. Especially getting to do "home church" with others. As much as we like staying home...home church with 2 people can be a little...underwhelming? haha, Again, initially it was very much appreciated - I was starting to burn out with my calling. But it's been long enough now that I'm starting to miss just seeing everyone each week. There are of course some people that we still see regularly, but I miss getting to see everyone else in the Ward. But that won't be changing anytime soon...

Last week we got an email from our Stake President about resuming meetings. There has been an increase in cases in our area lately, so they aren't comfortable setting a return date yet. And when they do finally feel that it's safe to resume meeting...they plan to actually start another 4 weeks after that...with only 50 people per meeting, all wearing masks and no congregational singing. That's just crazy to think about. It already feels like it's been so long. We decided we probably ought to do more with our Sundays and home church if it's going to continue for that long. So we're combining FHE and church for the time being, and doing our "family" Come, Follow Me then. We played church music this morning to make it feel like Sunday. Then for church had an opening prayer, sacrament hymn, the sacrament, watched a conference talk, and then did Come, Follow Me. I've been staying in my dress all day to make it feel not just like every other day as well. It's been nice, and felt good today to be trying a little harder to set the day apart for ourselves.

I've also started doing family history since we can't go to the temple. I never thought I could get so excited about doing family history work, but I'm loving it! Also, Family Search makes it so easy...if you don't know what to do or where to start, just look at your tasks list. I can't count the number of times I've opened up a name from that to connect a record...and then got lost for over an hour looking at their children or parents and siblings, and their parents and children, and so on. I've also been amazed at how many beautiful, sacred experiences I've had as I've found names of those whose work is ready to be done. I've experienced powerful feelings that I'm used to feeling in the temple, while doing the work, but never imagined it could be just as strong and memorable at home, sitting on my couch. I've definitely come to realize that both Temple and Family History work very much hinge on the principle in Ether 12:6, "dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." The testimony comes from doing. If you want to know and feel for yourself the power and importance of the work, you have to try it yourself!

Other than that, we're so happy that summer is here! We went swimming for the first time this week and we've been walking basically every day. We also realized the other day that there are multiple mulberry trees on the trail we always walk. (Felt kind of dumb for just now realizing it when we've been walking that trail for over 2 years now...and avoiding the black spots on the ground the fallen mulberries leave in the summer, lol). Most of them are super tall and out of reach, but we were able to pick a few and snack on them the other day - so yummy. It feels SO good to be outside! And we love the warmth and the sunshine. Yay, summer!

Random Things I've Learned About Myself

1. I'm an introvert! Like wow. Phone calls with people I don't know make me anxious. I'm terrible at small talk. Alone time is my jam. Even texting can be too much for me at times. I totally sympathize with people who deal with social anxiety! I am proudly, and without a doubt, a major introvert. Funny that I didn't realize it until college and later - once I moved away from my well established comfort zone. It also seems like I'm just getting more and more introverted the older I get... 😬

2. I don't like being vulnerable. Even the word itself used to annoy me - no joke. Sharing my deepest, most personal feelings? Uh, no thanks. Like, it makes me super uncomfortable. Even with people closest to me I find that I have a really hard time finding the words. Well, correction, I have about a billion words going through my head of what I could/should say, it's the actual speaking of those words that I struggle with. I've also noticed that I don't mind so much opening up about things or feelings from the past, that I've already moved on from. It's current, ongoing struggles or poignant feelings that I have a hard time expressing or even wanting to share. If I'm currently dealing with it, then I feel like it's none of your business, give it a couple weeks and I won't mind so much, lol. This is something I'm trying to work on, because I've seen how much opening up really can help yourself and others, but it definitely isn't easy.

3. I'm fairly independent, even though I didn't necessarily think of myself this way. I feel like I usually think of independent people as the ones who proudly and widely proclaim the fact, just in case anyone wasn't already aware. That is definitely not me. But I've realized that I do have a tendency to want to work things out on my own or accomplish things by myself. If I can possibly do something without having to ask for help, I will.

4. I love books, and learning, and intellect. Ok, so I pretty much always knew this one (hence making the goal in 6th grade to graduate high school as Valedictorian), but I've come to realize how much I really value it. I read a ton as a kid, but slowly stopped over the course of high school after feeling like I couldn't find anything worthwhile to read. A few years ago I made it a goal to start reading more...like 6 books a year or something (the fact that that was an improvement is almost appalling to me now! haha) Then 2 years ago I started reading a book with Julia, sharing our thoughts as we read, and it really reignited that spark! Last year alone I read 50 books (if you count my reading through the Book of Mormon again). And with my love of learning and intellect, I've found a passion for non-fiction books as well. My fiction reading is actually still fairly minimal, mostly consisting of more classic works/authors like Jane Austen. Ya, I love books. :) And I especially love that I married someone who loves it all as much as I do! (If not more...I may be more than a little envious of how quickly he can make it through a book. I'm not a slow reader, but he still gets through so much more than I can in the same amount of time! It's annoying...)

5. I love learning about and understanding people. I really enjoy biographies. And I love the aspects of personality type that help me to better understand other people that function so differently from myself. What makes people tick? I love to try and get inside their head to see how and why they act or react in certain ways. It really is becoming a passion of mine.

6. I really enjoy cooking. Especially if I don't have to come up with what to cook. ;) And thank goodness, cause I do a lot of it! (Well, by today's standards at least.) Also, the figuring out what to cook...I wouldn't survive without meal plans. Well, correction, I would live off of nothing but cereal and other easy, grab and eat foods, which I'm pretty sure is what I did all through college. I hate to cook for just myself - it feels like a waste of time. But I enjoy cooking for Gabe and I and for friends, especially when it turns out well and tastes delicious!

7. I observe and analyze - it's how I learn and process and understand the world and people around me. Also something I think I've always known, but what I didn't know is that not everyone else overthinks everything as much as I do. :P Hence also my love of learning about and understanding people - I observe and analyze!

8. I've come to really love the outdoors and nature. I never saw this one coming. Not that I ever had anything against it, I was just always the one having to be pushed/dragged out the door, never the one calling for others to join me. I was generally indifferent to it. But now I just love the calming nature of, well, nature. The further I can get from the sights and sounds of the city the better! But also, just being outside in the sun is so rejuvenating, even if it's in the middle of a neighborhood (our apartment balcony facing the parking lot, unfortunately not so much).