2022 Resolutions

1. Favor with God: Go to the temple at least quarterly (more if Grace gets better at traveling/staying with others).

✔-1st quarter: Kansas City trip in March with Mom and Dad

✔-2nd quarter: visit Laie temple grounds (do ordinances if temple is in open for travelers)

✔-3rd quarter: Kansas City or possibly St. Louis trip for my birthday?

 

✔-4th quarter: Bentonville temple open house fall Nauvoo trip or December KC/STL trip

2. Stature: Spend 1000 hours outside (use tracker to encourage accomplishing goal). -Aim for a minimum 60 hours/month.

3. Wisdom: Practice articulateness by spending time each day writing. Read 30 books, including:

- finish Les Miserables

✔- finish Grow Wild

- at least one C.S. Lewis book (Miracles?)

- Connection Parenting

- Hunt, Gather, Parent -started

✔- Just Open the Door 

- finish Fred Rogers biography

- Bonhoeffer biography 

✔- a George MacDonald book 

✔- Anne of Green Gables series

- Way of Kings 

- Read out loud to Grace every day.

4. And man: Be a good friend. "Strive to incorporate a compassionate attitude into (my) way of life." Give others grace.

- Have a monthly "hospitality night."

- Connect with someone in some way once a week. 

Reflections

This month has been very reflective for me. It has been exactly 1 year since all the major bleeding I had during my first trimester. I journaled about the first major episode, when I thought I miscarried and had to go to the ER, but so much more happened after that. A week after that, on December 8th, Mom and Dad came down to visit. I was still bleeding some and didn't feel up to making the work trip to Little Rock with Gabe, but also didn't feel comfortable staying home alone, so Mom came down to stay with me. Dad came down for 1 night, too, because they were buying our Buick.

So that Tuesday night Gabe and Dad gave me a priesthood blessing. Of course I don't remember many specifics now, but it was a very powerful blessing. Dad sealed the anointing and gave voice to the blessing. We were promised again that the baby would make it. At one point, without realizing the significance he said, "this baby will grace your home." Of course those words were unforgettable for me. During and after the blessing I just remember feeling the Spirit so strongly and having such a profound peace.

Dad and Gabe left the next morning while Mom (and I think Lilly) stayed to keep me company and help take care of me. I dealt with my typical nausea during the day, but nothing major. Then at bed time I started cramping so bad. I had a lot of bleeding, cold sweats and hot flashes, and threw up. Once I threw up I felt much better, but the intense cramping and bleeding were scary. And then it happened again about 30 minutes later - cramping, cold sweats, rush of bleeding, and throwing up. Mom helped me get into bed and I slept for a little bit before waking up and going through it all once more.

At that point I was just extremely grateful that I had stayed home, that my Mom was there with me so I wasn't alone, and that i had just had such a powerful, reaffirming blessing to reassure me that everything was ok. It was miserable, but because of the blessing Mom and I were both confident that there was nothing to worry about.

I slept late the next morning and just let Mom take care of me until she left that evening just before Gabe got home. Friday the 11th we had a prenatal appointment with Lucy. I was just at 12 weeks, so I was hopeful we'd hear the baby's heartbeat just for some reassurance. If I remember right, she got it on the doppler, but only faintly, or not for very long. I think she said it seemed like the baby just wasn't in an good position to hear it well. It was a little disappointing, but I didn't let it worry me, again because the last blessing I'd had was so reassuring.

I remember being very tired - I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed and watching TV. Then that evening two of my friends came over for our book group to discuss Crime and Punishment. They only stayed for maybe an hour (much shorter than usual) before I started having hot flashes and felt like I needed them to leave.

Specifics on timing and details after that aren't clear to me anymore, but shortly after they left things just got worse. I passed another clot and called for Gabe to come help. I had hot flashes and cold sweats, and the cramping got really intense. i was still bleeding, and sat in the empty bathtub to try and be more comfortable than on the toilet. Gabe almost messaged a friend to come help give me another blessing, but it got bad enough that he just decided to do it by himself. I was just shaking and bleeding in the empty bathtub while he gave me a blessing.

Because of the pain I was in I didn't feel the distinct peace, but I do remember the words promising we would have a witness of healing that night. Things got really intense and that's where details are especially fuzzy. But I remember the pain being so bad I didn't know how I was going to keep going (I think I also remember it being so painful that I almost didn't even care if the baby survived at that point, I just wanted it to be over, and if the baby did make it, doubting whether I would be able to handle labor when the time came). At one point my heart rate skyrocketed and I almost passed out. I got tunnel vision and just had to close my eyes and lay my head back until it got better. Gabe just sat there holding my hand. I passed multiple large blood clots, but eventually things calmed down. At the worst of it Gabe was afraid we needed to call 911 because of the amount of blood I was losing.

Once the pain began to subside Gabe helped me into our room so I could lay in bed. I wasn't feeling totally awful anymore, and there were no more clots, but I was still bleeding fairly heavily. We decided to go in to the ER again to make sure I hadn't lost too much blood. I remember driving there and feeling such a distinctive peace. Despite the blessings I'd received explicitly stating the baby would be fine, we really weren't sure the baby had survived such an intense ordeal. But uncertain as we were about the life of the baby, we both still felt so much peace. We knew that no matter what, everything was ok - whatever that meant. We were so incredibly grateful for that overwhelming peace.

We got checked into the ER (probably between 10 & 11pm) and they came in to do another ultrasound. Miracle of miracles, the baby was still there with a strong and steady heartbeat. And when the doctor came in to review it, he said the subchorionic hemorrhage was gone - our witness of healing. I think we got home around 2 in the morning that night. We were so exhausted, but so incredibly grateful.

I stayed on bed rest for the rest of the month. I hadn't been doing much since the first major bleeding, but after the second time, I literally stopped doing everything. I sat on the couch all day every day just watching TV or playing games on my phone. I didn't even get up to get myself food or refill my water - Gabe did everything for me. Sometimes I felt bad for not doing anything more productive - I knew I needed to be on bed rest, but I could still be doing family history or something more worthwhile while I sat there. It wasn't until later that I realized I honestly didn't even have the capacity for that. I had just kind of shut myself down - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Despite the ultrasound showing that the hemorrhage was gone, the bleeding didn't completely stop. And a week later, on the 19th, I had another, less severe bleeding incident where I passed another clot. I just continued to rest and take it easy until we left later that week to visit family for Christmas. The morning before we left I found a blog post about someone else's experience with a subchorionic hemorrhage. Her words struck home, speaking so clearly to the feelings I'd felt and the experiences I'd gone through, and I just sobbed. That was when I realized I'd shut myself down, just turning my mind off so I didn't have to process it all. After I got myself up, I packed my bags for the trip - pretty much sitting down the entire time. By the time I was finished, I was exhausted. I thought I'd been staying on the couch all month "because I was supposed to," but that was when I realized I didn't actually have the strength to do anything more.

As the year came to an end, the bleeding eventually stopped and I slowly regained my strength and energy. Now, 1 year later, as I hold that baby in my arms, listen to her talk and jabber, kiss her, and watch her interact with the world, I'm in awe of the Lord's grace and deeply touched by the fulfillment of His promises. She really does grace our home as promised, even with her screaming and crying and the difficult days. This month has just reminded me how incredibly grateful I am to be where we're at. I know the Lord is with us. Nothing but His grace could have brought us our Grace out of all the waiting, hoping, worrying, pain, and fear.

Grace's Birth

I woke up the morning of my due date wondering how in the world I was going to keep myself preoccupied and distracted that day. And then I got a text from one of my friends, inviting us to her son's baptism that afternoon and dinner at their place afterward. Hallelujah! The baptism was wonderful, and sitting around visiting with friends after was just the distraction I needed to pass the time. I didn't even end up taking a nap that afternoon. When we finally got home that evening, we went for a walk up at Lake Fayetteville. By the time we went to bed at 10:30, I was tired and ready for sleep.

I had one or two uncomfortable contractions while going to sleep, but the Braxton-Hicks contractions had been getting stronger all week, so it wasn't too surprising. At 11:00, I had a contraction uncomfortable enough to wake me up - after only 20 minutes of sleep after a long day. I got up to go to the bathroom - when I saw the bloody show I knew this was the real thing. I had a few more contractions and labored on my own for about 30 minutes before I woke Gabe up. Already the contractions felt much different than the Braxton-Hicks I'd been experiencing for weeks.

When Gabe realized that labor had actually started, he called our midwife, Lucy. The plan was for her to come help me labor at home and help us know when we needed to head to the hospital. She asked how frequent the contractions were. I said I thought I'd had 2-3 in the past half hour, but I hadn't been timing them yet. She told Gabe to start timing them, and let her know when they were coming every 4-5 minutes. She also said to try and get some rest in the meantime. I remember thinking, "I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep..." At some point I started getting the shakes in between contractions, and throwing up during contractions. I was trying to make sure to drink water to stay hydrated, but then I threw up all the water during my next contraction. I didn't want to do that again, so I stopped drinking - and then I just dry heaved during the next contraction, and decided I'd rather throw up water than nothing. Gabe started timing the contractions, and basically as soon as he started timing they were coming every 4 minutes and lasting about 30 seconds. They were strong enough that I couldn't talk through them - I had to stop and just focus on getting through it. Gabe texted Lucy at 12:15am and she said she'd get dressed and head our way.

I remember wanting to labor somewhere other than the bathroom, but the baby was so low already that every time I had a contraction I had to pee. So I put on a pad and we laid some towels on the couch for me to sit on, but I didn't stay there long before heading back to the bathroom. At this point I was holding onto Gabe and having him remind me to low-moan through each contraction. I was also having hot flashes, and having Gabe wipe my face and arms with a cold, wet cloth fairly regularly. Lucy showed up around 1:15am. She came in and watched me labor for a minute before saying she thought it was probably already time to head to the hospital. She said she'd check me to make sure, but by the way I was acting during the contractions and how I looked after a contraction, she was pretty sure it was time to go. She and Gabe helped me get to the bed so she could check me - I was at a 5. (Side note - she was SO much more gentle and careful checking me than my OB had been. It made me appreciate her that much more.) I was so grateful that Lucy was there. Gabe was doing everything he could, but I don't think he fully comprehended how completely incapable I was of doing anything. Lucy literally dressed me to help me get ready to head out the door.

At this point all I could think was, "This is why I wanted a home birth - I do NOT want to leave right now!" I couldn't even walk on my own anymore, how in the world was I supposed to get down the stairs?? Gabe and Lucy helped me walk out the door, and then I had to sit in the camp chair outside our door and take a break. We got to the stairs and I realized the only way I was going to make it down was on my butt, one step at a time. So that's what I did, with Lucy moving my legs for me each time to encourage me to keep going. Having contractions on the concrete steps was not my favorite thing - neither was having them in the car during the 10 minute drive to the hospital - but thankfully I had at least stopped throwing up by then.

It was probably sometime around 1:45-2:00am when we got to the hospital. Willow Creek has you enter in the emergency department before being admitted. They brought me in, started asking questions, checked me, and quickly realized how far along I was. I remember them saying they needed to get me to a room fast because they didn't want me delivering in the ER. I was completely absorbed with my labor from that point on and became even less aware of time and my surroundings. I had my eyes closed and was constantly moaning as they rolled me into a room. It felt like there were so many people in there. Gabe handed them our birth plan, although I was far enough in labor that half of it didn't even matter anymore. They did dim the lights after that though, and I remember being so grateful for that and being able to relax a little more.

The contractions were getting even more intense. I was on my side, holding on to the bed railing and screaming through each one. At this point I had given up on the low moaning and was straight up screaming. I was so hot - Lucy pulled my hair back into a ponytail for me and she thankfully had a fan with her that she fanned me with to cool me down. I remember the sensation changing during the contractions, feeling like my body was now pushing, without me doing anything different. That changed my screams as well. Shortly after that, the doctor told me I could start pushing whenever I wanted. Lucy immediately piped in, "She sounds pretty pushy already..." I love that her experience and wisdom put her so in tune with what was happening with me, without me having to say anything.

I pushed for a little longer on my side, and when the OB wanted to get serious about getting the baby out, I asked if I could switch to my hands and knees. I labored that way for a little bit, but I think it lowered the baby's heartrate some, so before long he had me flip back over and they helped me into classic position. I was reclining in the bed with Lucy holding up one leg for me and a nurse holding the other. I was also holding onto Gabe's and Lucy's hands. At this point I was so tired. I remember actually feeling like I was resting between contractions, just because it was such a relief to have a break from such intensity. I was getting so tired that the exhaustion was actually more difficult to deal with than the pain. As I pushed, the nurse was telling me to grab my legs and pull and all I could think was, "Are you kidding me?? I don't have the energy or strength for that! There's a reason YOU'RE holding my leg for me!" Gabe said Lucy looked at him and rolled her eyes when that was suggested, haha.

Grace was so close. but my perineum just wouldn't stretch. The doctor and nurses kept telling me, "Just one more push! Just keep pushing a little more when this contraction ends!" And each time it wasn't the last one was so disheartening. And the idea of trying to push longer than my contraction seemed impossible with how tired I was. The pushing during was almost involuntary - my body did it on it's own no matter how tired I was. But as soon as one would end I just wanted to completely stop and relax. I don't know how long I kept pushing after they started telling me "one more," but it felt like forever. The OB tried to help stretch and lubricate me, and Lucy encouraged me to touch Grace's head once she started crowning to help me connect and stay motivated. Tears came at that point as the closeness of it all became more real to me. And then finally her head made it. I could feel as the rest of her body slipped out. It was such a strange sensation to be able to specifically recognize her moving through the birth canal, when previously all I could feel was the intensity of each contraction overcoming my whole body. It was 4:06am - just 5 hours after my labor had begun.

They placed her on my stomach. Gabe and I looked at each other and I just cried. We had a baby!

She wasn't with me long before they took her to a warmer. The large abnormal area on my placenta did end up being a venous lake - I could hear as the blood from it gushed onto the floor. So the OB was concerned about making sure the entire placenta was delivered. He had an ultrasound on my stomach (which is why they took Grace away) so that he could see, and used clamps or forceps or some instrument to manually remove it. Holy crap did that hurt. Like really, that part sucked. He asked if I needed some medication to make it through it, but I was able to hold off until he finished. I had torn a 2nd degree tear straight back, so he gave me some local anesthetic and stitched me up. Then they gave me some cytotek to help make sure my uterus would keep contracting and fully release any placenta that might still be there.

As hot as I was during labor, I was freezing once it was all done. They brought me a blanket that had been in a warmer, but I had to keep asking for more because I couldn't stop shaking from the cold. I also had zero muscle tone or strength. I had to physically pick up my legs with my hands anytime I needed to get up or reposition myself. We stayed in the hospital that day and overnight, and were discharged the next morning. (Coming back up the stairs when we got home was also not fun, haha.) Mom met us at our apartment when we got home Monday morning and stayed to help for the week. When she left that weekend, and it was just Gabe, Grace, and I at home, it felt so special to finally be together as a family - what we'd been waiting for for years had finally come.

Why I Stay

I saw a page on Facebook the other day called "Why I Stay," with people's stories of why they are choosing to stay in their faith when so many these days are choosing to leave. I've really been pondering that - why do I stay?

The first answer I keep coming to is because it makes my life better. The gospel motivates me to be a better person, to work on my own faults and shortcomings. My attendance at church has introduced me to people who have become my dearest friends. Those friendships then further enrich my life and give it meaning. Striving to keep the commandments has kept my life free of so many regrets. The temple has brought me peace beyond understanding and given me the strength to bear my burdens with ease. The covenants I've made there and the ordinances I've received have endowed and infused my life with a strength, power, and purpose that can't be found anywhere else. The gospel brings me joy, and living the gospel makes my life better.

I stay because the gospel adds depth to my life. I see others who have left the church and say they are happy. But I can't help but feel that they've still lost something, that their lives seem more superficial and almost even hollow now. The gospel broadens my perspective. It enlightens my mind and enlarges my soul. It challenges me. It gives direction to my life.

The fruits of the gospel in my life are good. And so I stay because I know it's true.

Books of 2020 Part 2

26. Left to Tell, by Immaculée Ilibagiza and Steve Erwin - (finished 7/6)

27. Eternity is Now, by John H. Groberg - (finished 7/16)

28. The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell - (finished 7/20)

29. The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, by Oliver Sacks - (finished 7/30)

30. Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell - (finished 8/19)

31. Changed Through His Grace, by Bradley R. Wilcox - (finished 8/22)

32. Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe - (finished 8/26)

33. Midnight in Austenland, by Shannon Hale - (finished 9/10)

34. Reconceiving Infertility: Biblical Perspectives on Procreation and Childlessness, by Candida R. Moss and Joel S. Baden - (finished 9/18)

35. Madame Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert - (finished 9/24)

36. Period Repair Manual, by Lara Briden - (finished 10/12)

37. Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoevsky - (finished 11/18)

38. One Child, by Mei Fong - (finished 11/30)

Unfinished Books:

The Boys in the Boat, by Daniel James Brown - 

The Nature Principle, by Richard Louv - 

Eliza R. Snow: An Immortal, selected writings by Eliza R. Snow - 

Christ in Every Hour, by Anthony Sweat - 

Religion of a Different Color, by W. Paul Reeve -

Presidents of the Church: Insights Into Their Lives and Teachings, by Truman G. Madsen -

The Millennial Messiah: The Second Coming of the Son of Man, by Bruce R. McConkie -



Audiobooks:

1. Without the Mask, by Charlie Bird - (finished 9/7)

Snapshots of July and August

I've realized that I've majorly fallen off from my goal to blog more regularly...I started actually journaling daily again back in April, and I think that has made it easier to slack on blogging, because I'm already keeping a record of my life. But journaling doesn't keep my family updated on my life (and neither does my facebook cause I hardly ever post anymore).

Last night at a small women's group meeting, one of my friends mentioned a type of snapshot journaling where you just jot down or list phrases and words describing your day/week/whatever. I really liked the simplicity of the idea, and thought I should give it a try for my blogging and see if it helps me be more consistent. So here goes!

July and August 2020 - These are the days of:

Weddings. Catching up with old friends.

Car repairs- ugh.

Game nights. Old friends and new.

Extra long evening walks.

Swimming. Appreciating summer.

Slow work. Boredom.

Doing more family history.

Morning walks with Marissa and her kids.

Meal planning. Grocery shopping.

Picnic dinners at Devil's Den.

Hiking.

Watching TV shows. Lazy afternoons.

Reading. Book nights with friends.

Returning to church. Feeling the sense of home.

Books of 2020 Part 1

Finished from 2019:
The Temple Letters, by Claude Richards - (finished 1/5) This is one of the books we got that belonged to Grandpa Willis. It's a collection of letters a man wrote to his family about the importance of temple and family history work. It wasn't life-changing or anything, but there were definitely some good quotes that he shared.


2020 Books:
1. The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett - (finished 1/10) This was so fun and magical to read. I guess classics are a classic for a reason, huh? I especially loved the descriptions of nature, her wonder and awe in experiencing it, and how her time outside, connecting with nature, changed her for the better. There is magic outside that we all need in our lives!

2. Covenant Keepers, by Wendy Watson Nelson - (finished 1/25) This almost doesn't even count as a book it was so short. Honestly I was a little annoyed I payed for it when I saw how short it was. But then I sat down to read it and all regret disappeared. There's not necessarily anything totally new or profound in it, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. Specifically, her thoughts on family history work and the challenge she issued. That was a first step for me into consistent family history work!

3. Miracles, by Eric Metaxas - (finished 1/31) I love the author - we really enjoy watching his Socrates in the City lectures. He writes in a fun, engaging way. The first half was his discussion of miracles - his definition, large-scale examples (like all the parameters being met for this earth to be able to sustain life), and their purpose. I very much enjoyed the first half. The second half, which I also enjoyed, was a collection of personal stories of miracles in the lives of people he knows/trusts. There were some stories that really challenged my thinking, because the experience was so foreign to my understanding and view of how God works. What it really taught me is that God works according to our understanding, so if we expect communication from Him to happen in a certain way, He will likely work within that expectation/understanding.

4. The Truman G. Madsen Story, by Barnard N. Madsen - (finished 2/15) I always enjoy biographies, especially ones about faithful, inspirational people. Truman Madsen really did live a life full of faithful sacrifice and diligence. Reading about his life and choices inspired me to be more devoted and work harder myself.

5. The Rent Collector, by Camron Wright - (finished 2/16) A quick and enjoyable read. The story follows a woman who lives on one of the largest trash heaps in Cambodia, picking through the garbage to find things to sell for a living. The main character is based on a real woman, but her story is largely fictionalized. I felt like the story the author created was meant to look at the power for change that literacy can be in an individual's life, which was very interesting. My only issue was that some elements in the story didn't seem to fit with setting or didn't feel completely authentic. Nothing major though, just enough to make it a 4 star instead of 5 for me.

6. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman - (finished 2/22) I really loved this book and his approach. Basically the message was that you have to be friends and truly respect and care for each other, and if you do, you can pretty much work through anything together. He gave many self-questionnaires to evaluate how your marriage is really doing in different areas, as well as practical, simple exercises to improve and to get to know each other better. I felt like it was a very reasonable, relatable book that is applicable to anyone and everyone desiring a happy, healthy marriage. Lots of helpful tips and important things to recognize. I also enjoyed the dispelling of common myths at the beginning.

7. Jayne Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte - (finished 3/4) I read this book in high school and hated it - I couldn't get over the age difference between Jane and Mr. Rochester and it ruined it for me. But I absolutely LOVED it this time! Beautiful writing - the descriptions of scenery, the character depictions and development, the moral character of Jane, the different views of what it means to be a part of a family, and just the story in general. Again, classics are classics for a reason! I really loved reading this one and discussing it with my book group.

8. The Call of the Wild and Free, by Ainsley Arment - (finished 3/11) I feel like this is a must read for anyone considering homeschooling. She's all about trusting your intuition and feelings as a mother and protecting childhood - fostering wonder in their lives, spending time in nature, and telling/reading stories. Her views really resonated with me and I really enjoyed reading it. It made me want to notice the wonder in my own life and be better about stopping to "smell the roses."

9. The Mortal Messiah: From Bethlehem to Calvary Book 3, by Bruce R. McConkie - (finished 3/25) Probably the same review I wrote from Books 1 and 2. Takes some time to get through, because it's written in a more academic/scholarly style, but I like the slow look at the records we have of the Savior's life and teachings.

10. Amazing Grace, by Eric Metaxas - (finished 3/29) Again, love the author. He does a great job of making it interesting, engaging, and adding just the right amount of humor. This is the biography of William Wilberforce, who was the leader of ending slavery in England. What a battle! Very insightful and interesting to read - I definitely learned a lot from it.

11. Saints: No Unhallowed Hand - (finished 4/7) Just as good as the first! The narrative style it's written in makes it so approachable and easy to read. I learned so much from this volume, especially about the practice of plural marriage in the church. Honestly, it's something I've largely ignored because it's hard to wrap my head around, but it doesn't bother me as something that happened in the past. Reading more about it really forced me to look deeper at my understanding and view. And just like the first volume, I loved learning from the faith and experiences of the earlier saints. 

12. Refuge and Reality: The Blessings of the Temple, by John H. Groberg - (finished 4/20) I love the temple, and clearly Elder Groberg does, too! Written in a very similar style to his other books, this is basically a compilation of stories and experiences he had while serving as the temple president for the Idaho Falls temple and the lessons he learned from them. Some great insights. I think what I loved the most though, was just hearing from someone who really understands the vital necessity as well as the joy of the temple and all that it offers.

13. The Mortal Messiah: From Bethlehem to Calvary Book 4, by Bruce R. McConkie - (finished 4/21) Next book in the series!

14. Accomplishing the Impossible, by Russell M. Nelson - (finished 4/29) A good read. Your typical gospel themed book giving practical application to our lives. I think what these books really offer is not so much knowledge as it is another avenue for the Spirit to teach you.

15. Moby Dick, by Herman Melville - (finished 5/2) Wow. I can definitely say I would not have finished this one if I hadn't been reading it for my book group. It took some real effort to push through! Mostly because of the ridiculous amount of detail and (in my opinion useless) information about whales. But also because of the dragging story line and difficult language. There are some real gems in it though. Taking the time to review and discuss it after reading made me appreciate it much more. I'm glad I read it, making it through felt like a major accomplishment, but I don't know that I'd honestly recommend it to others.

16. Elantris, by Brandon Sanderson - (finished 5/12) My first real fun read since February. Gabe, and especially my friend Marissa, have been trying to get me to read Sanderson for so long. This was my first step into his books, and I absolutely loved it. One of the ones that you start and have a hard time ever putting down, but then regret reading it so quickly because you're sad that it's already over when you finish, haha. I loved the characters, and the story was fascinating and intriguing. Made me excited to read more of his books!

17. The Great Divorce, by C. S. Lewis - (finished 5/21) I always love C.S. Lewis. This one is written as a story to visualize heaven and hell. I am always amazed at his insights and abilities to portray spiritual truths. I really enjoyed the read, and gained so much from the insights and ideas.

18. Whole Body Barefoot, by Katy Bowman - (finished 6/5) I picked this up to flip through and find some tips for a friend transitioning to barefoot shoes, and ended up just reading it. It's a quick read, only about 100 pages, informative, but also enjoyable and even funny. I love Katy Bowman's goofy humor that gets thrown in. A great read though - highly recommend it!

19. The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne - (finished 6/6) Another book I read for my book group. I read it in high school English and didn't care for it, and while I could appreciate it much more this time, I still didn't love it. I did really enjoy the discussion about it afterward though. We felt like it was much less a story about characters, and more a look at specific character traits and what comes from them - revenge, honesty/acceptance of consequences, and guilt from trying to hide your mistakes.

20. Mormon Scientist: The Life and Faith of Henry Eyring, by Henry J. Eyring - (finished 6/7) This was such a fun biography. There were some seriously funny stories! But I especially loved his outlook and views on religion and science. He had full faith that the two are completely compatible, and believed that anytime they appear to contradict we are either missing the full picture or have an incorrect understanding of what the truth actually is. His views had a huge impact on me, and really were life changing. It was so refreshing to have someone say that things don't have to be either/or and you don't have to have all the answers.

21. The Priesthood Power of Women, by Barbara Morgan Gardner - (finished 6/9) A great book that does a fantastic job of laying out what the priesthood is, how it works, and how it functions differently in the church and home. It did so much to clarify and deepen my understanding - highly recommend.

22. The Worth of a Soul, by Ayse Hitchins and Kristen McKendry - (finished 6/9) Wow, what a story! This is an autobiography/narrative of Ayse's life growing up in Turkey and eventually immigrating to Canada. I read it in like 2 days, because her story was so engaging. She had an intense childhood/growing up and overcame a lot in life. I really enjoyed it.

23. Holy Places: True Stories of Faith and Miracles from Latter-day Temples, by Chad Hawkins - (finished 6/12) This was a super quick read, just a compilation of very short stories about various miracles related to different temples. Inspiring to see the small and simple ways the Lord's hand is in His work.

24. The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, by Benjamin Franklin - (finished 6/23) Another one I read with my book group, and like most biographies, I really enjoyed it. It does end before really even touching on the Revolution, so that would be interesting to read a biography that goes into that part of his life. But I really enjoyed hearing about his life, from his perspective. I think my very favorite was his discussion of when he decided to try and be perfect, haha. Really though, the method of self-reflection and evaluation of character and virtues hat he developed and used for the rest of his life was very insightful. I also really enjoyed the groups he started with friends for intellectual development. And I was seriously amazed at how many organizations he started and social changes he affected! He really left a legacy (even before playing his part in the Revolution)!

25. Emma, by Jane Austen - (finished 7/2) Another book that I couldn't stand in high school because of the age difference between love interests, but absolutely loved this time! I just can't get enough Jane Austen. Her character depictions are always spot on. The characters and their relationships are really what make her books so great and fun to read. But it's not just fluffy fun like so much we get today - she creates so much depth and in doing so gives such accurate and poignant reflections on human nature. This one was right up there with Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion for me.

Audio Books:
1. The Heavens are Open, by Wendy Watson Nelson - (finished 3/18)
2. Dreams as Revelation, by Craig K. Manscill, Kenneth L. Alford, and Mary Jane Woodger - (finished 4/30)
3. A Case for the Book of Mormon, by Tad R. Callister - (finished 5/20) This book was fantastic. It was amazing to have so many myths and accusations dispelled and proven false beyond doubt.
4. Letters to a Young Mormon, by Adam S. Miller - (finished 5/21)

5. Seekers Wanted, by Anthony Sweat - (finished 6/17) A great resource for helping you distinguish truth and determine historical accuracy of sources. Highly recommend.

6. That We May Be One, by Tom Christofferson (finished 6/22) This book was amazing, and really made us take another look at how we view and approach homosexuality. So well written, amazing examples, and a profound life story.

7. Seek This Jesus, by Neill Marriott (finished 6/22)

Everyday Life Updates

Well I've fallen behind a bit on my goal to blog more often, and I figured it's probably time to post another update on how life is going for us here in Arkansas.

Coronavirus. Ugh. Thankfully Arkansas never actually went on complete lockdown, so we were still able to enjoy walking at Lake Fayetteville and going on hikes and spending time with friends. Business has definitely slowed down, but we'll be ok. Actually, the slower pace with everything was really nice in the beginning. We were travelling so much. And it all just stopped. No more overnight trips to the temple, no more Little Rock, and we didn't even go visit home for the first month since Missouri was on lockdown. And it was really nice to just be home and not sleeping in a new bed every week.

We've started up our work trips to Little Rock again, but we're going every 3 weeks now instead of every other week. It makes it so much easier! We've also gone to visit family twice now, which has of course been wonderful. Especially getting to do "home church" with others. As much as we like staying home...home church with 2 people can be a little...underwhelming? haha, Again, initially it was very much appreciated - I was starting to burn out with my calling. But it's been long enough now that I'm starting to miss just seeing everyone each week. There are of course some people that we still see regularly, but I miss getting to see everyone else in the Ward. But that won't be changing anytime soon...

Last week we got an email from our Stake President about resuming meetings. There has been an increase in cases in our area lately, so they aren't comfortable setting a return date yet. And when they do finally feel that it's safe to resume meeting...they plan to actually start another 4 weeks after that...with only 50 people per meeting, all wearing masks and no congregational singing. That's just crazy to think about. It already feels like it's been so long. We decided we probably ought to do more with our Sundays and home church if it's going to continue for that long. So we're combining FHE and church for the time being, and doing our "family" Come, Follow Me then. We played church music this morning to make it feel like Sunday. Then for church had an opening prayer, sacrament hymn, the sacrament, watched a conference talk, and then did Come, Follow Me. I've been staying in my dress all day to make it feel not just like every other day as well. It's been nice, and felt good today to be trying a little harder to set the day apart for ourselves.

I've also started doing family history since we can't go to the temple. I never thought I could get so excited about doing family history work, but I'm loving it! Also, Family Search makes it so easy...if you don't know what to do or where to start, just look at your tasks list. I can't count the number of times I've opened up a name from that to connect a record...and then got lost for over an hour looking at their children or parents and siblings, and their parents and children, and so on. I've also been amazed at how many beautiful, sacred experiences I've had as I've found names of those whose work is ready to be done. I've experienced powerful feelings that I'm used to feeling in the temple, while doing the work, but never imagined it could be just as strong and memorable at home, sitting on my couch. I've definitely come to realize that both Temple and Family History work very much hinge on the principle in Ether 12:6, "dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." The testimony comes from doing. If you want to know and feel for yourself the power and importance of the work, you have to try it yourself!

Other than that, we're so happy that summer is here! We went swimming for the first time this week and we've been walking basically every day. We also realized the other day that there are multiple mulberry trees on the trail we always walk. (Felt kind of dumb for just now realizing it when we've been walking that trail for over 2 years now...and avoiding the black spots on the ground the fallen mulberries leave in the summer, lol). Most of them are super tall and out of reach, but we were able to pick a few and snack on them the other day - so yummy. It feels SO good to be outside! And we love the warmth and the sunshine. Yay, summer!

Random Things I've Learned About Myself

1. I'm an introvert! Like wow. Phone calls with people I don't know make me anxious. I'm terrible at small talk. Alone time is my jam. Even texting can be too much for me at times. I totally sympathize with people who deal with social anxiety! I am proudly, and without a doubt, a major introvert. Funny that I didn't realize it until college and later - once I moved away from my well established comfort zone. It also seems like I'm just getting more and more introverted the older I get... 😬

2. I don't like being vulnerable. Even the word itself used to annoy me - no joke. Sharing my deepest, most personal feelings? Uh, no thanks. Like, it makes me super uncomfortable. Even with people closest to me I find that I have a really hard time finding the words. Well, correction, I have about a billion words going through my head of what I could/should say, it's the actual speaking of those words that I struggle with. I've also noticed that I don't mind so much opening up about things or feelings from the past, that I've already moved on from. It's current, ongoing struggles or poignant feelings that I have a hard time expressing or even wanting to share. If I'm currently dealing with it, then I feel like it's none of your business, give it a couple weeks and I won't mind so much, lol. This is something I'm trying to work on, because I've seen how much opening up really can help yourself and others, but it definitely isn't easy.

3. I'm fairly independent, even though I didn't necessarily think of myself this way. I feel like I usually think of independent people as the ones who proudly and widely proclaim the fact, just in case anyone wasn't already aware. That is definitely not me. But I've realized that I do have a tendency to want to work things out on my own or accomplish things by myself. If I can possibly do something without having to ask for help, I will.

4. I love books, and learning, and intellect. Ok, so I pretty much always knew this one (hence making the goal in 6th grade to graduate high school as Valedictorian), but I've come to realize how much I really value it. I read a ton as a kid, but slowly stopped over the course of high school after feeling like I couldn't find anything worthwhile to read. A few years ago I made it a goal to start reading more...like 6 books a year or something (the fact that that was an improvement is almost appalling to me now! haha) Then 2 years ago I started reading a book with Julia, sharing our thoughts as we read, and it really reignited that spark! Last year alone I read 50 books (if you count my reading through the Book of Mormon again). And with my love of learning and intellect, I've found a passion for non-fiction books as well. My fiction reading is actually still fairly minimal, mostly consisting of more classic works/authors like Jane Austen. Ya, I love books. :) And I especially love that I married someone who loves it all as much as I do! (If not more...I may be more than a little envious of how quickly he can make it through a book. I'm not a slow reader, but he still gets through so much more than I can in the same amount of time! It's annoying...)

5. I love learning about and understanding people. I really enjoy biographies. And I love the aspects of personality type that help me to better understand other people that function so differently from myself. What makes people tick? I love to try and get inside their head to see how and why they act or react in certain ways. It really is becoming a passion of mine.

6. I really enjoy cooking. Especially if I don't have to come up with what to cook. ;) And thank goodness, cause I do a lot of it! (Well, by today's standards at least.) Also, the figuring out what to cook...I wouldn't survive without meal plans. Well, correction, I would live off of nothing but cereal and other easy, grab and eat foods, which I'm pretty sure is what I did all through college. I hate to cook for just myself - it feels like a waste of time. But I enjoy cooking for Gabe and I and for friends, especially when it turns out well and tastes delicious!

7. I observe and analyze - it's how I learn and process and understand the world and people around me. Also something I think I've always known, but what I didn't know is that not everyone else overthinks everything as much as I do. :P Hence also my love of learning about and understanding people - I observe and analyze!

8. I've come to really love the outdoors and nature. I never saw this one coming. Not that I ever had anything against it, I was just always the one having to be pushed/dragged out the door, never the one calling for others to join me. I was generally indifferent to it. But now I just love the calming nature of, well, nature. The further I can get from the sights and sounds of the city the better! But also, just being outside in the sun is so rejuvenating, even if it's in the middle of a neighborhood (our apartment balcony facing the parking lot, unfortunately not so much).

Jacob Chapter 5

Over the last few years as I have spent more time in the Book of Mormon, I have come to love Jacob chapter 5 with its Allegory of the Olive Tree. And though its main message is that of the scattering and gathering of Israel, what I have come to love most are certain phrases and words within it that teach me of God's ways and His love for His children. So here are some of those phrases and what they mean to me.

vs 5: "according to his word" - His promises are sure - we can rely on the Lord! As it says in D&C 1:38, "What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth shall pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled." That which He has promised us we will receive as we remain faithful. This understanding gives such a surety of hope as we wait upon the Lord.

vs 7, 11, 13, 32, 46, 47, 51, 66: "It grieveth me that I should lose this tree" - He cares for us. He loves us. He grieves when we are lost. Also that grief is a godly attribute. There is no anger, frustration, or irritability. Not indignation or criticism, just godly sorrow and grief. No "I told you so," just a wish for the salvation of loved ones.

vs 8, 13-14, 36, 53-54, 75: "withersoever I will," "according to his will and pleasure," "for mine own purpose" - He is the Lord of the vineyard, the gardener. We must learn to trust Him and accept His will above our own. It is His choice, not ours. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9).

vs 3-5, 7-13, 20, 22-28, 31, 33-34, 36-37, 46-47, 52-58, 60, 62-64, 67-69, 71, 73-77: Prune, pluck, dig about, dunged, graft, nourish, preserve - These words are found more often than not throughout the chapter. I love the reminder that they are of the Lord's constant care for His people, as well as the reminder that such care is not always comfortable or pleasant. Pruning, plucking, grafting, digging and dunging about - these don't sound like particularly pleasant experiences for those on the receiving end. And yet we know that this is how the nourishing and preserving are brought about. Without the painful or at least uncomfortable efforts and experiences, the desired result could not be achieved. Elder Maxwell taught that principle beautifully over and over again, reminding us of the necessity of such opposition in our lives if we are to be made in His image. "Know though, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7).

vs 8, 11, 18-20, 23, 29, 31, 33, 46, 54, 71, 74, 76: "lay up of the fruit thereof against the season, unto mine own self" - The Lord desires to bring us unto Him. We wants to make us His own, because He loves us.

vs 10: "the servant of the Lord of the vineyard did according to the word of the Lord of the vineyard" - How blessed we are to be led by a prophet of God! He speaks for and acts in behalf of the Lord in these latter-days. He leads the church "according to the will of the Lord," and so we can rely and depend on him. He is trustworthy just as the Lord is.

vs 15, 29: "a long time passed away" - Sometimes it feels as though "a long time (has) passed away" in our own lives before we receive the guidance, direction, or blessings we are seeking from the Lord. The presence of these words reminds me that it's okay. Sometimes He intends for us to wait, but our time will come, He will come.

vs 22: "I knew that it was a poor spot...wherefore...I have nourished it this long time" - It doesn't matter where we are planted, how ideal or not ideal our situation or environment is. The Lord will nourish us, and that is all we need to thrive and bring forth good fruit. The Lord will give us everything we need, even if it's not everything we want, to succeed.

vs 41, 47, 49: "What could I have done more for my vineyard?" "I have stretched forth mine hand almost all the day long," "I have done all" - Truly the Lord has done all. He gave His all, His life, Himself, and continues to so give, nourishing, lifting, and strengthening us, caring for us. He has and will do all He can to preserve and save us. That is the love that He has for us.

vs 48: "Who is it that has corrupted my vineyard? ...the loftiness of thy vineyard...taking strength unto themselves" - We must learn humility. Pride, trusting in the arm of the flesh, these lead to our ultimate failure. Hence the need for pruning, to cut back our "loftiness." We need to learn to be able to say, "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down." Because surely he does so only for our own good and salvation.

vs 50-51: "spare it a little longer" - He has such patience with us! How many times have we produced corrupt fruit, but He has chosen to "spare us a little longer," working with us and enabling us to progress and improve rather than giving up on us and our imperfections? If He is so patient with us, we ought to be as well. We must learn to be patient with ourselves and with our loved ones as we continue to struggle along our journey, and choose to spare judgment "a little longer."

vs 54: "sufficiently strong" - Am I "sufficiently strong"? Am I bringing forth good fruit unto the Lord? And am I rooted firmly enough to continue doing so? If so, what am I doing right to keep myself "sufficiently strong"? If not, what am I doing that I need to stop doing, and what am I not doing that I need to start doing?

vs 59: "because of the change...the good may overcome the evil" - Sometimes a little bit of change is all we need to help us grow and push forward. Change can be hard, it can be scary, but it can also be just what we need. So if and when unexpected changes comes into your life, ask the Lord how you can grow from it rather than worrying or complaining. See what it is He wants you to learn.

vs 66: "clear away the bad according as the good shall grow" - This principle is so meaningful to me. We can't expect to change overnight. Sometimes where we are looks so far from where we want to be. But if we try to cover that distance in one, big jump, we will fail. Just as with gospel knowledge, personal growth comes line upon line, one step at a time. We have to let the good within us continue to grow before we can expect to root out the bad, the weaknesses and imperfections. And when we do it that way, those failings and faults will fall away naturally. When we try to scour them out before learning the correct patterns to replace them, we are left with a big, empty hole and no understanding of how to properly fill it. So it's okay if you're still struggling to overcome that bad habit that feels like it has been plaguing you for years. That's how it's meant to be! Growth is slow and gradual, so much so that we likely will not even recognize it in our day-to-day lives unless we regularly take the time to stop and reflect on where we have been and how far we have come.

vs 72: "the Lord of the vineyard labored also with them" - The Lord indeed does labor with us and at our sides when we are engaged in His work. What greater help and companion could we hope for than the Lord Himself?

Hear Him

How do I "Hear Him"?

I hear Him when I read from the "best books." When the words of others come from the pages and into my heart. When the author's words become His, speaking to me.

That is how I hear Him.

I hear Him in sacred music. It's beauty brings peace to my heart and I hear Him saying "Be still."

That is how I hear Him.

I hear Him when I am with family. When I am surrounded by the laughter, smiles, and companionship of loved ones. I hear Him saying that the joy of family is everything.

That is how I hear Him.

I hear Him because of what my parents have taught me. The family lessons, the individual conversations, the heartfelt prayers. I hear Him because they showed me daily how to listen.

That is why I hear Him.

I hear Him in the temple. Its peace enfolds me. He enfolds me. That sacred space reaches in and touches all of me. I hear Him saying that this is truth, and truth eternal.

That is how I hear Him.

I hear Him when I obey. For what good is the hearing if we fail to act? And as I act, He speaks again and tells me to keep going.

That is how I hear Him.

I hear Him when I am surrounded by his creations. When the din and confusion of mankind and our manufactured world take a back seat to the grandeur and beauty of His. When I step past the buildings, the cars, and the artificial lights and step into the forests, the fields, and the rolling hills. I hear Him saying, "By My hand were these made."

That is how I hear Him.

I hear Him in my anguish. When the pain is more than I can bear. When I am broken and in despair. He soothes my aching soul, binds my broken heart, calms my troubled mind. I hear him saying, "I understand."

That is how I hear Him.

Sweet Moments in Primary

The last two Sundays in Primary have been especially sweet and touching. Both weeks I sat down with the kids during singing time and sang with them (instead of standing off to the side with the presidency and just jumping in every now and then). Those kids know those songs, and they sing their little hearts out!

Last week, as we got ready to sing When I Am Baptized, the singing leader asked the kids what happens when you get baptized. One of the 8 year olds, who was just baptized a few months ago, raised his hand and said we become clean. Then one of the little 4 year olds raised his hand and said (with his adorable little voice), "Um, you get da Holy Ghost to come into youw heawt." All of the leaders were a little stunned at such an insightful answer from someone so young (including the singing leader who is the little boy's dad, haha).

And besides that sweetest of comments, my heart was just touched listening to all of those little voices sing with such conviction words like "I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." And "I feel my Savior's love," "keep the commandments, in this there is safety and peace." Or "I love to see the temple...a family is forever" the day after witnessing 2 of those little girls be sealed to their parents as a family. As I watched them, I was amazed to see even the shy, timid kids singing along with everyone else, or trying to follow the singing leader when they didn't know all the words.

Today we had a little girl (7 1/2) who only comes occasionally and is a little more difficult (she has a hard time sitting still and paying attention, and can often be a bit disruptive). When the younger girl who was supposed to be giving the scripture stopped repeating after her dad because she was too shy, the 7 1/2 year old chimed in and repeated the next line of the verse (1 Nephi 3:7). Then as they were singing Nephi's Courage, she joined in and sang out with all her heart. When they finished, and the singing leader was talking about the meaning of the song, he asked what "courageous" meant, and she raised her hand, "Um, I believe in this instance...it's talking about when it's hard to do the right thing, but you do it anyway." I was amazed at her comprehension (as well as her very grown up use of "in this instance"). It reminded me not to assume things just because someone is different or difficult. And just showed me again how much children really do understand and what great potential they have.

"Remember how merciful the Lord hath been"

It feels like it's time to write again...

I finished the Book of Mormon just as 2019 ended, perfect timing to begin again on track with Come Follow Me for this year. In the final chapter, Moroni 10 verse 3, Moroni says, "I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things...that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men." The phrase struck me. I wrote it on a small piece of paper, and decided to keep it in my scriptures so that I see it each time I open them up to read.

There is so much in this life that is convoluted and confusing. Opportunities for distraction are everywhere; it is so easy to miss the mark. Things are never perfect; there's always something that could be at least a little bit better.

But what about all that is right? All that is good and happy and beautiful in our lives?

Sometimes when I truly think of the Lord's blessings, when I "remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto [me]," it's staggering. Are there things I don't understand, things I would change if I could? Certainly. But I cannot deny the abundance of His "tender mercies" in my life.

Gabe. An honorable parentage. Access to good books, the best books. Good friends who are a strength to me. My testimony and faith. The temple. Financial means to provide for our needs - the necessities and some of the wants. The ability to try again, and again, and again as I falter and fail each day.

The abundant mercy of that last one becomes ever more apparent to me. I remember struggling as a teenager to grasp and understand the place of the Savior's atonement in my life. What great sins had I ever committed that I needed to repent of?

But as time goes on, the words of men such as Nephi and King Benjamin become more real and visceral to me.
          "O wretched man that I am! ...my heart sorroweth because of my flesh...I am encompassed about, because of the temptations which do so easily beset me."
          "I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants...ye are indebted unto him...and are, and will be, forever and ever..."

But the beauty is that the Lord doesn't see us that way. We are not His "unprofitable servants," we are "[His] work and [His] glory." When we see ourselves not measuring up, He simply says, "try again." And not just, "keep trying," but "let me help you get there."

It's so easy to look at ourselves from day to day and feel like we're getting nowhere. That's when the long view makes all the difference. I look at the day to day and just see myself failing again and again to make the changes and improvements I want in my life. But step back a few years, look at where you are now compared to then. Use that as your measuring tool instead of where you were yesterday, and it makes all the difference.

And what is it that has brought you to where you are? The tender mercies of the Lord, the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. We literally could not do it without Him. It is His grace, His mercy, His merits, that gives us the power to overcome, the power to become. Until someday, "that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."

Yes, "remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men."

Books of 2019 - Part 2

About time I get this one finished and posted since we're a week and a half into 2020. By the time December hit, I knew I wasn't going to reach my goal of 52 books, but I thought I could reach 50, and that's a nice, round number, so I went with that. Well, December 31st rolled around and I still needed to finish 3 books before the day ended...procrastination at its finest, haha. I finished one, and then another, and was working my way well through the 3rd, and then I had to shower and our friends came over to celebrate New Year's Eve. So just a few hours of reading short, I DIDN'T finish. Unless, as I realized a week later, you count my reading the Book of Mormon as my 50th book. ;) Regardless, I doubled the number of books I read the year before, and I'd say that's pretty impressive! Plus I always have this year to try again. ;)

27. Anytime, Anywhere, by John H. Groberg - (finished 7/10) Thoroughly enjoyable, as with all of Elder Groberg's books. Written in much the same style as his other 2 books about serving in Tonga, this one covers stories and experiences from his service around the world as a Seventy. Fascinating to hear bits of other cultures, and inspiring to read about his example of being willing to serve whenever, wherever, and however the Lord calls.

28. The Promised Messiah, by Bruce R. McConkie - (finished 7/21) I made it a goal to read McConkie's Messiah series this year. This first book took me much longer than I intended. I really haven't read many dense, scholarly religious books, and I found there was a bit of a learning curve to get into it. This one was also hard because it just felt like a compilation of prophecies about the Savior without much organization or continuity other than "here's some prophecies about his mission, here's some prophecies about his birth" etc.

29. The Faith of our Pioneer Fathers, by Bryant S. Hinckley - (finished 7/29) This was a quick read, just short biographical sketches of some of our pioneer fathers. It's one of the books we inherited from Grandpa Willis.

30. Stalwarts of Mormonism, by Preston Nibley - (finished 8/2) Same as the one before, one we inherited from Grandpa. A quick read of short biographical sketches. Definitely learned some interesting stories about some interesting people!

31. The Orphan Keeper, by Camron Wright - (finished 8/6) Wow! This was a crazy story. It's a novel, based on a true story, about a young Indian boy who is kidnapped from his family, taken to an orphanage, and adopted by a family in the U.S. The people at the orphanage don't care when he tries to tell them he has a family, and he can't tell the family who adopted him because they can't understand each other's language. It really was an amazing, miraculous story. I stayed up one night to read one chapter before bed...and ended up reading until 2 or 3 in the morning because I couldn't put it down. Definitely one I'd recommend!

32. Sir, that's a Book of Mormon! (How One Baptist Minister Discovered the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ), by Lynn Ridenhour - (finished 8/27) Interesting, short little book. He's a Baptist minister who preaches from the Book of Mormon. I enjoy biographies, so it was neat to hear about where life has taken him.

33. The Abolition of Man, by C. S. Lewis - (finished 8/28) A very short book, but not necessarily a quick read. Also very applicable to today. The premise is that certain values are intrinsic (a waterfall is beautiful because it is beautiful in and of itself, not just because someone finds it enjoyable), and when you try to remove the source of values and morals, their foundation, the values and morals will eventually be lost as well. Or in today's terms - moral relativism is a lie.

34. The Mortal Messiah: From Bethlehem to Calvary Book 1, by Bruce R. McConkie - (finished 9/1) This was much easier to read than The Promised Messiah. Partially because I had been introduced to the style of writing, but also because it had much more organization and flow than the first. I really enjoyed the background it gave me for Israelite life at the time of Christ's birth.

35. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain - (finished 9/3) I really enjoyed the information in this book, although it was a bit dense and harder to get through. There were definitely some fascinating studies and insights though. Something I can very much relate to. ;)

36. Life's Lessons Learned, by Dallin H. Oaks - (finished 9/4) This was a very quick read, one that I borrowed from Mom and Dad. Pretty much what the title says, it's a bunch of short chapters relating experiences from his life that have taught him important lessons. I think my favorite take-away from this one was his chapter on tithing. He talked about how when he and his wife would experience an unexpected financial gain, or an unexpected decrease in expenses, they would refer to it aloud as a "tithing blessing". Gabe and I have started doing the same and appreciate the reminder that it is to us of the true source of our blessings.

37. The Mortal Messiah: From Bethlehem to Calvary Book 2, by Bruce R. McConkie - (finished 10/4) Next in the series. Although they take some time to get through, I appreciate what I'm gaining from them.

38. Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World, by Cal Newport - (finished 10/7) I finally read this book after 2 of my friends talking about it at Literary Society (instead of a traditional book club, we get together once a month and share with each other whatever we've been reading) and highly recommending it. And I completely agree with them! I especially appreciated the chapter on solitude. We are so surrounded by constant access to the internet that we rarely, if ever, experience true solitude anymore. Even what used to be our moments of forced solitude (waiting for an appointment at an office, going for a walk/run/drive) are now filled with pulling out our smartphones to entertain/pacify ourselves rather than sitting with our thoughts and pondering.

39. Insights From a Prophet's Life: Russell M. Nelson, by Sheri Dew - (finished 10/17) I loved this one! It is written so well. And President Nelson has led such an interesting life, with so much struggle as well as opportunity. I loved learning about his life, his faith, and his service.

40. The Princess Bride, by William Goldman - (finished 10/19) A very fun read. It probably matches the movie closer than any other book I've read that's been made into a movie. (Probably because the author loved his book, and wrote the movie script himself.) Definitely nostalgic to read when you've grown up watching the movie.

41. As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride, by Cary Elwes - (finished 10/29) This was a fun read, with some very funny backstory to some of the actors and movie scenes. (Like the fact that when Count Rugen knocks out Westley after he comes out of the fire swamp...Carry Elwes was literally knocked unconscious, haha). Anyone who loves The Princess Bride would enjoy reading it.

42. Hubener vs Hitler, by Richard Lloyd Dewey - (finished 11/7) Very interesting story, although written very UN-interestingly (I'm pretty sure this is actually an academic paper, because over half the book is footnotes citing sources, and instead of synthesizing different sources he details every single version of the story from each source.) Anyway, it's the story of Helmuth Hubener, a teenage Latter-day Saint boy in Germany who determined to actively resist Hitler and his regime and was eventually tried and killed for his actions.

43. Be Thou an Example, by Gordon B. Hinckley - (finished 11/12) Another one I borrowed from Mom and Dad. Like Standing for Something, it was fun to read President Hinckley's voice. Although I definitely enjoyed Standing for Something more - it felt a bit more polished and put together.

44. The Magnolia Story, by Chip and Joanna Gaines - (finished 11/22) If you enjoy Fixer Upper and Chip and Joanna, you'll enjoy their book. You'd never know the crazy things they've gone through to get where they're at (plus just the funny details about their life story). You can definitely hear their voice in the writing, their personality as well as their faith. My favorite was the story of Chip being left in charge of their first baby while Joanna went running and him forgetting him at home - twice, haha.

45. I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban, by Malala Yousafzai and Christina Lamb - (finished 12/11) Eye opening, and interesting to hear from the perspective of someone living within the terror of the Taliban and a country torn apart by corruption and war. There are so many innocently suffering at the hands of others.

46. Book of a Thousand Days, by Shannon Hale - (finished 12/11) I read this one in one day. I love Shannon Hale, and she didn't disappoint with this one. It's the story of a handmaid who is locked in a tower with the princess she serves after the princess refuses to marry to the man her father has promised her to. A love story, fantasy, just an enjoyable read.

47. The History of Joseph Smith by His Mother, by Lucy Mack Smith - (finished 12/19) I decided to read this one as part of my preparation for next General Conference. I loved reading it, although it's more of a history of Lucy Mack during the life of Joseph (which was also very interesting and faith-promoting, it just didn't always follow him directly like I expected). I especially loved learning about the faith of his family and his father's dreams. A great resource for learning more about Joseph Smith and the early history of the church.

48. One More Strain of Praise, by Neal A. Maxwell - (finished 12/31) This is (clearly) one of the ones that I finished last minute on New Year's Eve. Oh how I love Elder Maxwell's books! He writes with such beauty and such faith. Reading his books always encourages me to try harder and be better.

49. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll - (finished 12/31) Although I was only a couple chapters into this one before New Year's Eve, I finished it pretty quickly because it's such an easy read. It really is a very whimsical story. My biggest thought when I finished though is that the movie is nothing like it! Seriously...the movie is missing so much, and added in a bunch of random stuff, too. But I guess they are the same in that they're just silly, random stories of a child's daydreaming.

The Temple Letters, by Claude Richards - I got so close to finishing this one, too! This is another book we inherited from Grandpa Willis. It's a compilation of letters a man sent out to his family to encourage them to be more engaged in temple and family history work. The best part of it was the quotes he shared from prophets and the brethren.

Increase in Learning, by David A. Bednar - Another one I borrowed from Mom and Dad. In true Elder Bednar style, over half the book is "related readings" following each chapter where he shares scriptures and past talks related to the principles/doctrine he's just explained. I'm enjoying it, just didn't get around to finishing it during the crazy month of December.

The Mortal Messiah: From Bethlehem to Calvary Book 3, by Bruce R. McConkie - Clearly I didn't finish the series by the end of the year like I'd intended (there's still 2 more after this one, too). After I finished book 2 in October, I got about 50 pages into this one and then just stopped. I definitely plan to finish it and the rest of the series this year, I just stopped working my way through it.

Now, for my own list-loving sake, a breakdown of genres of the books I read:
Fiction/Novel: 7
Biography: 20
Non-Fiction: 6
Gospel: 16

A Decade in Review

Now that we're almost a week into the new year, I figured it was about time for my New Years post. :P I saw multiple "year in review" posts on facebook - which I loved reading, but decided mine would not be particularly exciting, haha. Then I saw Keith's "decade in review" post and decided that would  be MUCH more fitting/interesting for me! Also, the more I thought about it, I realized this was a HUGE decade for me. So here it is, my very formative, first full decade as an adult.

2010 - So many firsts!
Moved for the first time ever - over 1,000 miles away out to BYU, a big jump from living in the same home in the same small town all my life.
Started college.
Began (and quickly quit) my first job - early morning custodian at the HFAC on campus with Keith.
Went on my first single date (my thoughts from that experience here, haha).
Changed my major.
Went back home and walked for High School graduation - found out I graduated as Salutatorian of my class.
Returned to BYU with Marshall and Keith.
First heartbreak (and second), with the best consolation from my far away family - flowers from Dad, and Domino's pizza and lava cakes from my sisters delivered to my door.
Had a blast that fall semester with my brothers and the coolest roommates!

2011 - Had one more awesome semester out at BYU with seriously the best group of friends.
Moved home "for the summer".
Jessica moved in with us.
(Grudgingly) followed the impression to stay home for good.
Went out to Keith and Julie's wedding in DC, attended General Conference with the family, and went to Marshall and Jenessa's wedding in Mesa.
Started working for Helzberg.

2012 - Moved into an apartment in Springfield with Jenessa, Glenda, and Jessica.
Took at trip out to Provo to visit my friends.
Moved back into Mom and Dad's.
Became Office Manager at Helzberg.
Starting seriously thinking about a mission, then went on my first date with Gabe the same day, haha.
Started dating Gabe.
Went out to my roommate's wedding in Utah (and discovered that I in fact did NOT have unlimited texting with which to text Gabe).
Got engaged.
Quit my job.
Got married.
Experienced my first in-law holiday (5 people at Thanksgiving was almost like culture shock for me).

2013 - Started teaching piano lessons (to 1 student).
Moved to Willard, then back into Springfield.
Had our 1st anniversary - and got scared about the infertility label that put us under.

2014 - Went to Hawaii, which literally felt like a life-changing experience for us. It was more than magical; everything perfectly fell into place for us.
Went out to Utah for Conference with Philip - stayed with Keith and Julie and saw Joseph on our way home.
Moved to St. Louis and Gabe started chiropractic school.
Had my first overnight trip away from Gabe (just staying at Mom and Dad's when Joseph got home from his mission).
Had my first car wreck (and felt the painful shock of how expensive the ticket and having to appear at court was, plus the increased cost of car insurance after).
Began working as a temple worker.
Got called as Young Women Adviser.
Started our shift into a greater focus on health and nutrition.
Bought and moved into our trailer.

2015 - Made some great friends in our ward.
James and Kelli came to visit us for a few days over spring break - and yes they stayed in our trailer with their 6 kids, haha.
Took an Amtrak by myself to Lawrence so I could drive out to Joseph's wedding with Sarah, Marshall, and Jenessa.
Went on Trek as a leader - which really meant just playing around and having fun with some YSA leaders because none of us were assigned to a family.
Started babysitting two little girls once a week.

2016 - Became a trainer at the temple.
Had Marshall and Jenessa visit us over spring break - enjoyed the art museum, a great hike, and cooking and visiting together.
Started occasionally working (about once a week) as basically a personal assistant for Judith - an artist/small business owner I met through someone at church.
Gabe started clinicals at school.
Went to Girl's Camp as the Assistant Ward Camp Director and experienced the discomfort of swollen ankles and heat rash for the first time (my feet were HUGE and red).
Went to Youth Conference.
Went to a free St. Louis Symphony concert in the park for my 25th birthday.
Did a lot of house sitting.
Continued to enjoy the many hikes and parks and free shows and museums St. Louis has to offer.

2017 - Finished our time in St. Louis and said goodbye to the Young Women, our amazing ward, the temple workers, and so many wonderful friends.
Moved back home to Springfield - with a 9 hour drive because our car overheated every 20 min on the drive home...
Gabe had his summer internship with Sam Sanders and then GRADUATED!
We (very unexpectedly) decided to move to Arkansas for work...and then subsequently waited 4 months for everything to work out.
Celebrated our 5th anniversary at a great little cabin in Eureka Springs.

2018 - Moved down to Arkansas!
I was called as Primary President.
Went on a float trip with some new friends.
Explored lots of hikes and parks in beautiful Arkansas. We walked almost every summer night at Lake Fayetteville, just down the road from us.
I started reading regularly again.

2019 - Really started getting to know people and make good friends.
Joined a monthly "Mother's of Influence" group hosted by a friend from the ward.
Enjoyed many more hikes.
I went on a whirlwind trip with Mom, Dad, and Lilly out to Joseph's graduation from OCS in Virginia.
Enjoyed a FANTASTIC 7 course dinner with Gabe's parents at a tiny French restaurant in Fordland, MO.
Gabe and I became temple workers at the Oklahoma City Temple.
Had an awesome birthday bonfire party at Mom and Dad's.
Gabe got called into the Bishopric.
Started traveling to Little Rock every other week for Gabe's work.
And I read. A LOT. (I finished just a few books shy of my goal for 1 book/week).

I learned and grew and changed SO MUCH over this past decade. It really was a formative and transformative time for me. I have learned so much about myself, been stretched and grown a great deal spiritually through my experiences and opportunities, and had my perspectives and outlooks shifted and expanded.

I've gained a firm testimony of and love for the temple, learned (and continuing to learn) to really trust in the Lord's timing, and seen His hand guiding and directing my life in both small and large ways. I've learned that I really am an introvert, haha, and reignited my love for reading that I had as a kid. Healthy, natural living has become a big part of my life - I fully embrace many things that I once scoffed at, haha. I've gained a love for the outdoors and hiking and walking (when it's not cold at least) and learned to greatly enjoy cooking healthy, wholesome food. Gabe and I have grown closer and closer, learned to communicate and compromise, and to fully rely on one another.

So many people and friends have come in and out of my life, some leaving permanent and lasting impressions. The memories truly are great and I have been immensely blessed. I never could have imagined some of the twists and turns my life has taken the past 10 years and where I've ended up. It makes me excited to see where the Lord will take Gabe and I next. So here's to the 20s and all the growth, change, experiences, and opportunities they will bring!

Sharing From My Heart: The Joy and the Pain

Not going to lie, I feel a little sick with how nervous sharing this makes me. I have no problem sharing and expressing my feelings when it comes to how much I love and care about someone or other happy, positive things. But really personal, poignant things get kept much closer to the chest. Even opening up to Gabe about such things has been a learning experience these past 7 years. My inclination is to become quiet, draw inward, and do anything but share it with others. But I'm turning over a new leaf, right? So here goes.

Journal entry from Wednesday, September 4, 2019:
     "Last night was...hard? strange? unexpected? unusual? I don't know that there's a proper word to appropriately describe it. I had a wonderful and enjoyable day yesterday. I have felt an abundance of the Spirit lately and great satisfaction with where life is at. Which is why last night caught me so off-guard.
     Just before going to bed I had very deep, poignant feelings hit me. A profound sense of longing for children overcame me. It almost took my breath away. The pain was physical. I couldn't restrain tears. I thought of my various interactions with children lately and my opportunities to "mother" others' children. How easy it is in those scenarios to envision children of our own - to see what could be ourselves in some future day.
     The innocence and purity of children and getting to be a part of their lives brings me joy and satisfaction. But it can also surface pain. It makes my own lack so much more apparent. It takes my focus off of what I have and places it squarely on what I lack. Sometimes I just want to be able to join in on the "mommy stories" and woes rather than merely listening. As much as I trust the Lord's wisdom, sometimes I just want that to be my life.
     But as a whole lately I have felt such peace, joy, and contentment with my life. Which is why last night was so confusing. It seemed to come out of nowhere and was almost all-consuming. It was so painful, and so very real. I thought I had composed myself, and then it started again. I didn't know where it was coming from, but it almost seemed like somewhere other than myself.
     After sharing it with Gabe and laying close to him, I thought of the children that await us. I wondered if they were there, right then, strengthening me. I sensed many children. I wasn't sure if they were to come in this life or the next, but I sensed a small group together.
     Poetic words expressing my emotions ran through my head during the experience. I could see them as the beginning of longer, written prose. The desire to write it, to express myself, almost pulled me out of bed to do it then. If not for the late hour that we had gone to bed, I think I would have. I felt a need to write about it, a compelling, an inspiration.
     As I think back and ponder on it all now, there seems to be an almost sacred nature about it. I can still vividly remember the depth of feeling. It's as though the very poignance of it makes it sacred. Because anything with that depth of emotion deserves regard and respect. Any other such profound experience I can remember has clearly been of a spiritual nature, and so by association it must also be regarded as such and considered sacred like the others.
     And so I have done my best to record it, to convey the inexpressible through word, that it may be kept sacred and remembered, even when memories dim."

I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to share this now. It was one single incident that took place over 3 months ago. But I'm learning the importance of really opening up to those you love, and sharing not just the happiness and joy, but also the pain and the struggles. Because that's what really bonds and brings you closer. How can they really understand and comprehend your joy if they haven't known your sorrow?

When others ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm doing really well. And I am. It's true that the Lord has given me a great deal of peace and assurance with where our life and family is at. Like I wrote in my journal, as a whole I feel great joy and contentment with my life. But that doesn't mean that the wishing and the hoping and even at times the longing has gone away. Because if it had, where would I be? We're supposed to want children and families. Why would the Lord take away my desire for the very thing He has ordained?

And so even with His carrying my burden, sometimes that means I feel a little sadness in my wishing, some longing in my dreaming. It means I have experienced a pain that hits with such unexpected force that I cry uncontrollably, confused and hurt and literally fighting for breath while I wonder where it's even coming from.

But it also means I've gained an undeniable testimony of the love of my Savior and the power of His atonement. Because without Him, that one isolated and unfamiliar moment is where I would be stuck all of the time. He gives me the strength to be happy now. And that is a gift of such tremendous value. Because life is never going to be exactly what we expect. There are always going to be twists and turns, bumps and bruises. But as we learn to fully give our will to Him, He opens up doors for us we never could have imagined.

Light the World

For Light the World today, it said to create and share a piece of art about Jesus Christ. So with writing as my chosen art form (for reasons previously explained), I spent a short amount of time writing this poem. It's nothing grand or amazing, but it was nice to spend some time creating something to celebrate Him this Christmas.

Jesus Christ

The Savior of the world
Redeemer of mankind
Came to save the world from sin
To suffer and to die

Born a lowly babe
Humble as can be
We celebrate His birth each year
The great Nativity

Do we remember Him
In all we do and say
Honoring His sacred name
Through actions everyday?

We may not have a star
Or singing angels near
But through our choices we can know
His Spirit will be here

A Resolution in Creativity

I've been meaning to start writing more for quite a while now. I think part of why I've put it off so long is because I'm not quite sure what to write. But I've been feeling the pull too strongly to ignore. So here goes nothing!

I really do love writing. It enables me to express myself so much more clearly than I can when speaking. (#introvertproblems) I love being able to pause, rethink a phrase, and find exactly the right words to perfectly articulate my thoughts or fully convey my feelings. Tweaking and fine-tuning until I reach that sense of satisfaction that it's worded just right.

Plus it's about the only form of creating that I display any sort of competence in. 

Crafts? Ya, right.

Composing? No way.

Drawing? Ha!

And I know, I know, "practice makes perfect." But what fun is practicing when you're no good? :P When it comes to stereotypical creativity, I've got nothing. I'm much more of a read the instructions, follow the pattern, "do as I say," kind of person. I make use of other people's creativity, absorb it from the outside in, not produce it from within. Trying to do otherwise just feels awkward and unnatural.

Except when writing. 

Writing brings me that energized focus, that sense of passion and eagerness I imagine artists thrive on and strive for. Writing for me induces that "flow state" they describe.

I've heard it said that everyone should regularly engage in some form of creation. That it's part of our divine, inherent nature. I think that's why I'm drawn so much to writing. It's the one creative outlet I can actually plug into. 

And so begins my attempt to more consistently engage with that inner creativity. To dig deep and bring forth something genuine and new. And why not share it with the ones I love most? :)