This month has been very reflective for me. It has been exactly 1 year since all the major bleeding I had during my first trimester. I journaled about the first major episode, when I thought I miscarried and had to go to the ER, but so much more happened after that. A week after that, on December 8th, Mom and Dad came down to visit. I was still bleeding some and didn't feel up to making the work trip to Little Rock with Gabe, but also didn't feel comfortable staying home alone, so Mom came down to stay with me. Dad came down for 1 night, too, because they were buying our Buick.
So that Tuesday night Gabe and Dad gave me a priesthood blessing. Of course I don't remember many specifics now, but it was a very powerful blessing. Dad sealed the anointing and gave voice to the blessing. We were promised again that the baby would make it. At one point, without realizing the significance he said, "this baby will grace your home." Of course those words were unforgettable for me. During and after the blessing I just remember feeling the Spirit so strongly and having such a profound peace.
Dad and Gabe left the next morning while Mom (and I think Lilly) stayed to keep me company and help take care of me. I dealt with my typical nausea during the day, but nothing major. Then at bed time I started cramping so bad. I had a lot of bleeding, cold sweats and hot flashes, and threw up. Once I threw up I felt much better, but the intense cramping and bleeding were scary. And then it happened again about 30 minutes later - cramping, cold sweats, rush of bleeding, and throwing up. Mom helped me get into bed and I slept for a little bit before waking up and going through it all once more.
At that point I was just extremely grateful that I had stayed home, that my Mom was there with me so I wasn't alone, and that i had just had such a powerful, reaffirming blessing to reassure me that everything was ok. It was miserable, but because of the blessing Mom and I were both confident that there was nothing to worry about.
I slept late the next morning and just let Mom take care of me until she left that evening just before Gabe got home. Friday the 11th we had a prenatal appointment with Lucy. I was just at 12 weeks, so I was hopeful we'd hear the baby's heartbeat just for some reassurance. If I remember right, she got it on the doppler, but only faintly, or not for very long. I think she said it seemed like the baby just wasn't in an good position to hear it well. It was a little disappointing, but I didn't let it worry me, again because the last blessing I'd had was so reassuring.
I remember being very tired - I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed and watching TV. Then that evening two of my friends came over for our book group to discuss Crime and Punishment. They only stayed for maybe an hour (much shorter than usual) before I started having hot flashes and felt like I needed them to leave.
Specifics on timing and details after that aren't clear to me anymore, but shortly after they left things just got worse. I passed another clot and called for Gabe to come help. I had hot flashes and cold sweats, and the cramping got really intense. i was still bleeding, and sat in the empty bathtub to try and be more comfortable than on the toilet. Gabe almost messaged a friend to come help give me another blessing, but it got bad enough that he just decided to do it by himself. I was just shaking and bleeding in the empty bathtub while he gave me a blessing.
Because of the pain I was in I didn't feel the distinct peace, but I do remember the words promising we would have a witness of healing that night. Things got really intense and that's where details are especially fuzzy. But I remember the pain being so bad I didn't know how I was going to keep going (I think I also remember it being so painful that I almost didn't even care if the baby survived at that point, I just wanted it to be over, and if the baby did make it, doubting whether I would be able to handle labor when the time came). At one point my heart rate skyrocketed and I almost passed out. I got tunnel vision and just had to close my eyes and lay my head back until it got better. Gabe just sat there holding my hand. I passed multiple large blood clots, but eventually things calmed down. At the worst of it Gabe was afraid we needed to call 911 because of the amount of blood I was losing.
Once the pain began to subside Gabe helped me into our room so I could lay in bed. I wasn't feeling totally awful anymore, and there were no more clots, but I was still bleeding fairly heavily. We decided to go in to the ER again to make sure I hadn't lost too much blood. I remember driving there and feeling such a distinctive peace. Despite the blessings I'd received explicitly stating the baby would be fine, we really weren't sure the baby had survived such an intense ordeal. But uncertain as we were about the life of the baby, we both still felt so much peace. We knew that no matter what, everything was ok - whatever that meant. We were so incredibly grateful for that overwhelming peace.
We got checked into the ER (probably between 10 & 11pm) and they came in to do another ultrasound. Miracle of miracles, the baby was still there with a strong and steady heartbeat. And when the doctor came in to review it, he said the subchorionic hemorrhage was gone - our witness of healing. I think we got home around 2 in the morning that night. We were so exhausted, but so incredibly grateful.
I stayed on bed rest for the rest of the month. I hadn't been doing much since the first major bleeding, but after the second time, I literally stopped doing everything. I sat on the couch all day every day just watching TV or playing games on my phone. I didn't even get up to get myself food or refill my water - Gabe did everything for me. Sometimes I felt bad for not doing anything more productive - I knew I needed to be on bed rest, but I could still be doing family history or something more worthwhile while I sat there. It wasn't until later that I realized I honestly didn't even have the capacity for that. I had just kind of shut myself down - physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Despite the ultrasound showing that the hemorrhage was gone, the bleeding didn't completely stop. And a week later, on the 19th, I had another, less severe bleeding incident where I passed another clot. I just continued to rest and take it easy until we left later that week to visit family for Christmas. The morning before we left I found a blog post about someone else's experience with a subchorionic hemorrhage. Her words struck home, speaking so clearly to the feelings I'd felt and the experiences I'd gone through, and I just sobbed. That was when I realized I'd shut myself down, just turning my mind off so I didn't have to process it all. After I got myself up, I packed my bags for the trip - pretty much sitting down the entire time. By the time I was finished, I was exhausted. I thought I'd been staying on the couch all month "because I was supposed to," but that was when I realized I didn't actually have the strength to do anything more.
As the year came to an end, the bleeding eventually stopped and I slowly regained my strength and energy. Now, 1 year later, as I hold that baby in my arms, listen to her talk and jabber, kiss her, and watch her interact with the world, I'm in awe of the Lord's grace and deeply touched by the fulfillment of His promises. She really does grace our home as promised, even with her screaming and crying and the difficult days. This month has just reminded me how incredibly grateful I am to be where we're at. I know the Lord is with us. Nothing but His grace could have brought us our Grace out of all the waiting, hoping, worrying, pain, and fear.
